Dating Dilemma Diagnosis: How to Bring Someone to the Cookout Your Family Won’t Approve Of

They say love is blind, but it's definitely not to your family members. Bringing a new partner to a family event, like the cookout, is scary enough. Now toss on the fact that the person you're bringing home doesn't abide by your family's standards of who you should be dating due to race, gender, age or any other attributes that don't pass the family muster. That's one cold dish you don't want on the table.

Bumble dating expert and spokesperson Shan Boodram explains how many people go into these situations without any preparation, hoping they'll work themselves out over the potato salad. "I recently worked on a project where I discussed bringing Black partners over to predominantly or all-white homes , and the number of people who did not have the talk with their family or partner before was astonishing," she shares.

Their rationale? "They said, 'I know my family has said things racist things in the past, but I was hoping they’d have the sense not to say it in front of someone I care about.' Gambling with someone else’s comfort in order to preserve your own calls into question whether you’re ready for a relationship at all, let alone an integrated relationship."

If you're navigating how to bring home someone the family won't approve of, Boodram gives some concrete steps on how to prep your family, your partner and yourself.

EBONY: How should you approach bringing someone you know your family may have trouble accepting to the family cookout?

Shan Boodram : When you're bringing someone new to a family cookout, especially if your family might have trouble accepting them due to race, gender, age or social status, it's crucial to prepare both sides. Do not gamble with someone else’s comfort; set your family up for success by telling them exactly who that person is—don’t just say I’m bringing someone special; say 'I’m bringing someone special, that is—' and specifically fill in the blank here. This helps set expectations and allows your family to process the information beforehand. Tell them to get all of their questions and jokes out now, and then stress how important it is to prioritize your guest’s comfort on the day. Next, prepare your partner by explaining your family dynamics and any potential challenges. Let them know, "My family sometimes doesn’t make the best first impression, but if you feel uncomfortable at any point let me know and I will handle it or we can leave.”

When and how can you sit down with your family to have a discussion about your partner and your choices?

I recommend having this conversation well in advance of the day they are meeting this person. Even if their opinions are less-than-ideal, it will still take time for them to adjust their mindset (if they are willing to do so). This will also give you a sense of whether the introduction is a good idea at all. If their reaction when you talk to them initially does not bode well, you may want to rethink if this is the right time for this next step. When you have this conversation, lead with your feelings. Begin with, "I want to talk to you about someone very important to me. This person means a lot to me, and I hope you can see why." Be honest and listen to your family’s concerns with empathy. Address their questions and reassure them about your relationship, emphasizing the ways this person enriches your life.

Should you prepare your partner for uncomfortable scenes with your family?

Before the cookout, have an open and honest conversation with your partner about what to expect. For example, if you have a family member who is known for making homophobic comments, tell them so they can steer clear or mentally prepare themselves. In addition, let them know that you are their guest and their comfort is a top priority. Make it known that they don’t have to grin and bear it if they are ever feeling laughed at or uncomfortable.

At the cookout, if family members say inappropriate things to your partner, how should you react and respond?

Regardless of the age or position of the family member, it’s important to stand up for your partner. Remember that they are in a room full of strangers, and you are in one full of the people you have known the longest; you are their armor in this situation. If the comments continue, pull the family member aside and set a boundary, then outline a consequence of crossing that boundary like, “I know this is new, and I’m trying to keep things light, but if you continue to make comments like that, we’re going to get up and leave. I really want to be here so I hope it doesn’t come to that.”

Are there valid reasons why you should not show up with a new partner at the cookout?

First and foremost, if the idea of having the prep conversation feels too heavy or hard for you, you are likely not to be prepared to defend that person in the moment. So I’d say if you’ve been rolling your eyes reading this guidance thus far, bringing your partner to the cookout may do more harm than good. Ask yourself what the true value is. Of course, it goes without saying that if you have the talk beforehand and either party does not seem like they’re capable of holding up their end of the “family-friendly fun” bargain, don’t bring 'em to the cookout. There will be other family events, and now you know the work ahead of you.