Take A Lesson From Fight Club If You Want To Argue Better

Fight Club had something every couple needs.

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Every couple fights.

You can't really avoid it.

If you live with someone, you're going to get on each other's nerves. You're going to step on each other's toes. Hurt each other's feelings.

You're going to have days where your partner doesn't do anything in particular, but you still want to punch them in the face every time they open their mouth.

***Please, don't hate. I didn't tell you to do it. I just said you might want to, and you know I'm right.***

And even though fighting is a by-product of living together, it often goes unacknowledged.

We might complain to friends if we're stewing, but we don't always talk to our partner, especially if we're fighting a lot.

And I'm not talking about why we fight. There are a million reasons for that.

In fact, here are some of the things couples fight about most with the percentages of arguments they cause for husbands vs. wives:

• Personality traits: 5.5% husbands-8.6% wives
• Friends: 7.1% husbands-8.1% wives
• Intimacy: 7.9% husbands-8.5% wives
• Commitment: 8.2%-9.1%
• Relatives: 10.7%-11.9%
• Habits: 16.2%-17.1%
• Money: 18.3%-19.4%
• Work: 19.3%-18.9%
• Communication: 21.1%- 21.8%
• Chores for parents of young children: 25.1%-24.1% (Big shocker, this goes down significantly when the children grow up and move out.)
• Children: 36.4%-38.9% (These were mainly related to kid's behavior, conflicting parenting styles, discipline, and other issues associated with raising them.)

Not only are we arguing about virtually everything, but different things are bugging each person differently.

And if you have kids, that's a whole other layer of stressors to tug at your nerves.

Thinking you can be with someone and never fight, especially after kids come along, is ludicrous.

It's not really a matter of if you'll fight. It's a matter of when.

So why not safeguard yourself?

Focus on how you fight.

The actual way you handle yourselves as you're lettin 'er rip.

Because even though fighting can be toxic and damaging, it can also be a way to break down communication barriers to honesty and authenticity.

Fighting better is what you're aiming for, and the way you do that is by instilling a few basic rules.

Even Fight Club had rules:

1. You do not talk about Fight Club.
2. You do not talk about Fight Club.
3. Someone yells, "Stop!", goes limp, taps out, the fight is over.
4. Only two guys to a fight.
5. One fight at a time.
6. No shirts, no shoes.
7. Fights will go on as long as they have to.
8. If this is your first night at Fight Club, you have to fight.

Because whether your bare-knuckle boxing or arguing about who left the milk out, rules for fighting make sense.

It's something we pretend we don't do, so we don't prepare for it, and then we're shocked when we get locked in a toxic, damaging cycle.

My husband and I have been married 16 years, and we've had many fights in that time.

We weren't very good at it initially, and it caused a lot of unnecessary resentment and pain.

We knew if we didn't get our act together, we might do or say something we'd eventually regret, so we made a plan.

We made our own Fight Club rules and here they are:

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Stay focused.

Don't get off-topic just because you can.

Resist the urge to call the other person out on everything they've ever done and stick to the script.

Don't wind them up and say things you know will make them angrier.

Don't push their bruises just because you know where they are.

Try to be mad about what you're mad about and not everything else.

Chances are if you're fighting, things are already bad enough, so try to resist the urge to make it worse by unloading about every little thing that's been bugging you.

Break it up.

When things get too heated, my husband and I have an agreement: we walk away.

Not rudely or dismissively, but in a way that gives us the necessary distance to process.

We realized early on that since we're both hot-headed, things can escalate into crazy-town quickly.

So we sat down at a quiet time and came up with a solution.

We agreed that when things get too hot, we'd split up and write emails.

It calms things down and lets us focus our thoughts and feelings.

Make like the song and let it go.

Don't take everything personally.

In the heat of the moment, people say mean things.

You might call your partner a name or feel like it's the perfect time to offer up a cuss-laden list of everything you hate about them.

If you've had a few cocktails, you might really give the other person a piece of your mind only to be filled with regret later.

How do I know this?

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Because I've done it.

When we first got married, I got really drunk at a friend's dinner party.

Our daughter was still a baby, and I hadn't recovered the alcohol tolerance I had before pregnancy - so needless to say, I was wasted.

For some reason, I got a bee in my bonnet about something he'd done or hadn't done, and I went off on him when we were walking home - I was a complete idiot.

He was annoyed while it was happening, but he didn't hold it against me.

He knew I was just drunkenly blowing off steam, and I was grateful.

Because although I thought I was making perfect sense when I woke up in the morning, I regretted everything.

I said sorry, and he forgave me—end of story.

We laugh about it now.

He could have taken it all personally and made a big deal about it. He could have really milked that one and held it over my head.

But he didn't.

He knows how much I love him and how much alcohol I drank that night, so he chose to let it slide.

That wasn't the first or last time that's happened, and we've both done it to each other because, in a perfect world, we can all keep our cool and be mature - but we don't live in a perfect world.

And unfortunately, in the real world, sometimes we say things we don't mean.

If you use the things your partner says in the heat of the moment to punish them later, you're the jerk.

If they're just mean to you, that's another matter.

If they say things that bother you that much, take it up in a quiet moment when you can tell them how you're feeling.

If how they unload during a fight is hurting your relationship, you owe it to them to let them know when they can process what you're saying.

If you wait until you're already fighting, the message will be lost.

If you've chosen to be with an abusive partner, that's a different matter, and you should get help.

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Get on the same page.

We came up with these strategies because even though we couldn't avoid fighting, we wanted to prevent the damage it did to our relationship.

But to make it work, we both had to go all-in.

We had to get on the same page.

We had to agree to:

• Make a plan and stick to it.
• Try not to be overdramatic.
• Respect each other's process and try not to take things personally.
• Not pull the rug out from each other and move the goalposts.
• Accept and respect each other even when we didn't want to.

I had to accept that my husband's bark that is worse than his bite. He blows up and says his piece, not in the nicest way, and then needs to go off by himself and think.

I had to agree not to follow him around, badgering him when he's trying to get away from me in a fight. To let him walk away and not run after him, even if I'm not done with the argument.

This was hard for me because I'm not a fast thinker, especially in a fight—I'm George Costanza. You know...the jerk store...

I shut down in the moment and process later.

So I had to learn to let him cool down before I start with my retorts instead of badgering him when he's still mad.

And he had to accept that even though he thinks or wants a fight to be over when he cools down, that's when I'm just starting to get my thoughts together.

We don't really have compatible styles, but we learned to make it work.

We've accepted the hand we've been dealt instead of trying to change each other.

But to do this, we had to come together.

We agree to our ground rules and stick to them whether we want to or not.

By getting on the same page, we know what to expect.

Part of what makes fighting scary is its unpredictability, especially at the beginning when you don't understand how the other person operates, and fighting might trigger deeper wounds.

Getting on the same page can take away some of that fear.

Don't be too proud to say sorry.

One thing my husband taught me was to say sorry.

In my family, there was only cruelty and dismissiveness. So saying sorry was something foreign to me, and it felt unsafe.

My husband wasn't afraid to swallow his pride and apologize to me after a fight. He's strong enough to admit when he's wrong, and I've learned to do the same.

It took me a long time to feel safe enough to say sorry.

It takes a big person to admit when you're wrong and apologize because you open yourself up for rejection when you do that.

But it's essential.

It makes the other person feel validated and valued.

Do a post mortem - every time.

Go back after every fight and talk about it.

You can discuss things in a more rational light and figure out if there's more to the story than meets the eye.

Because chances are, if things escalated weirdly, there could have been more going on than you think.

Somebody might have been triggered.

Since fighting is emotional and traumatic anyway, you might not even realize it's happening.

Suddenly you're overreacting, and it doesn't really make sense.

If one of you has suffered a trauma in your life, you need to be prepared.

Because this isn't just about something rubbing you the wrong way.

Anything that reminds you of your trauma can make you feel like you're experiencing it all over again.

Triggers are many and varied. They're internal and external, so a person with trauma can be like an emotional minefield when you're fighting.

Some people get triggered internally by feelings and bodily sensations such as:

• Anger
• Anxiety
• Feeling overwhelmed, vulnerable, abandoned, or out of control
• Loneliness
• Muscle tension
• Pain
• Sadness

Other people can get triggered by external stimuli, things like:

• A movie or TV show
• Certain people
• The act of arguing
• A particular time of day
• Specific sounds (think shell-shock)
• Holidays, birthdays, a particular day of the year or month
• A location
• Smells

During our post mortem discussions, we ended up discovering my husband and I both had triggers - different traumas that fighting churned up.

So if your partner gets triggered, you need to talk about it so you can be extra mindful when you're fighting.

Because if you're mad about something, you have the right to express your feelings and opinions, but if your partner gets triggered, you might want to find a way that doesn't push their buttons.

In any case, going over things in the light of day helps separate actual problems from raw emotion so you can get back on track.

Happy couple laughingImage by Author via Canva

When you first fall in love, it's nearly impossible to imagine anything but complete and utter bliss. You're both perfect in every way.

But if you stay together long enough, life will get in the way, and you'll fight.

Instead of pretending it doesn't happen, why not embrace it as a means to deeper understanding and closeness.

If you make your own Fight Club rules, you might just find yourself doing more healing than hurting in the long run.

Follow me for more interesting tidbits and hardcore common sense.

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