6 Toxic Behaviors That Lurk In Most Relationships

Scratch the surface and you'll probably find at least one of these.

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Before I met my husband, I’d never been in a healthy relationship.

I’d dreamed about it, discussed what it would be like in therapy, visualized, and worked to manifest it, but I’d never actually done it.

All my relationships had been disasters, so much so that I took seven years off from serious dating to figure myself out.

I thought that sorting myself out would be the be-all-and-end-all, but I quickly learned, even if you’re healthy enough to find love you still need to maintain it.

Toxic dysfunction was the only thing modeled for me growing up, so I had no idea what a loving relationship looked like.

I had a lot of dysfunctional behaviors I didn’t realize.

Turns out I'm not the only one. Everyone seems to have issues in their relationships, even people who seem to have it all together.

Certain problematic themes seem to come up regularly.

Here they are:

• Entitlement. This is when one person feels entitled to have the other person be their personal servant. When one person feels no need to lift a finger to help around the house and feels entitled to live in a home while doing nothing to maintain it.
• Meanness. This is when someone can’t let one little thing slide. I’ve seen someone yell at their spouse for folding a PB and J sandwich the wrong way. This is when someone has to continually nitpick about everything someone else does and works actively to cut the other person down.

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• Projection. This is when you accuse the other person of doing something you’re doing or would do. Are you a serial cheater? Then you might accuse your partner of cheating because you just assume they would.
• Competition. This is when the other person always has to outdo you. This is especially toxic when the children come along. Someone who always has to make themselves better at your expense will use the kids as a barometer if it’s the only measure of how they are doing against you. Turning the kids against you will be a sport for this person because competing for their love is just another way to get one up on you.
• Division. When you form a relationship, you’re forming a team. It’s your protection against the world to have someone on your side. One theme I see in couples who struggle is that they haven’t come together as a team. They keep their assets separate and try to function as two individuals under the same roof instead of a combined team. The couples that I see who struggle the most with money are the ones who keep everything separate and divide responsibilities up into you and me instead of us. It’s hard to make a coherent plan for your family when you don’t see yourself as a team.
• Grudges. Grudges will kill any relationship. That’s because if you live with someone, you’re bound to hurt the other person’s feelings now and again. You will also do things that are stupid, thoughtless, or hurtful now and again because you’re human. If you want your relationship to last, you must learn to effectively communicate, say sorry, and solve issues by actively not doing hurtful or dismissive things. But once you get on that path to recovery, you have to learn to let go of grudges. I think it’s the hardest thing to do and something I struggle with myself. When I feel a familiar problem rearing its head, it’s hard for me not to slip back into old resentments. The problem is, it’s hard to move on and forgive when you’re holding a grudge.

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Think about your own relationship and see if some of these killers lurking in your life; if you find them, don’t be upset. Once you see something, you can’t unsee it, and then you can start working on making it right.

A happy relationship isn’t a tagline (think happily ever after…); it’s a real living organism that needs to be maintained and nurtured.

By weeding out some of these toxins, you make room for more joy and intimacy.

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