Smith column: What to do when entrusted with sex abuse survivor's truth

I recently spoke with a local trauma therapist experienced in treating child sexual abuse.

We sat comfortably on her back porch surrounded by tall trees and singing birds as she cautioned how our culture needs to better understand and support child sexual abuse survivors.

“There is a mistaken belief that children are adaptable and can simply move on from sexual abuse, perpetuating the myth that it doesn’t cause a deep wound,” she said. “This belief allows perpetrators to excuse their behavior, convincing themselves that the child will forget and isn’t significantly harmed. While a child may be afraid and pretends to enjoy, or does enjoy their body’s response, their mind and spirit are being irrevocably damaged.”

It’s important to recognize that even if a child doesn’t disclose the abuse, cooperates, or seems unaffected, they are deeply impacted — it’s just a hidden wound. This is crucial for the community to understand, and paramount for us as a culture to acknowledge the depth of that wound.

She emphasized that our culture seems ambivalent about child sexual abuse. Perhaps because it is so common and we see survivors who seem to do well in life, leading us to believe it’s not that damaging.

“This only contributes to the crisis where one in four children have been abused,” the therapist said. “I’ve never met a sexual abuse victim who didn’t feel overwhelming misplaced guilt and shame, and who didn’t needlessly blame themselves. They often believe something must have been wrong with them for the abuse to occur, as this is what the perpetrator frequently tells them.”

Despite being rightly reassured that they have done nothing wrong, the imbalance of power between the perpetrator and the child, combined with the child’s innate sense of right and wrong, leaves the child with lifelong self-doubt, a feeling of abandonment by God, and difficulty trusting or bonding. Or the opposite happens: they become too trusting and promiscuous, which is not the child’s fault. Low self-worth, PTSD, anxiety, depression, and unhealthy coping behaviors can also follow.

“When survivors disclose their abuse, it is common that they are not believed,” the therapist said. “Others are told, ‘I believe you, and we’ll ensure it doesn’t happen again,’ and are then encouraged to suppress the truth. I have seen this happen when the perpetrator is someone the family relies on financially, a family member, a close neighbor, or when there’s concern about community standing.” Sometimes, people genuinely believe this is the best way to protect the child.

These are some realities that lead many to remain silent about their abuse and its long-term effects, and others to only disclose it many years later. We as a culture need to understand these dynamics in order to support victims with the compassion, empathy and understanding they deserve when they make the difficult decision to share their truth. “When they do, it’s crucial to make it clear that it’s a safe subject to talk about and that you’ll be nonjudgmental,” the therapist told me.

In addition to our local therapist’s advice, Ellen Bass and Laura Davis’s book, “The Courage to Heal,” offers additional guidelines for responding to a survivor’s disclosure:

• Be willing to listen. Let them know you are open to hearing anything they wish to share and that, although it’s painful and upsetting, you are willing to enter those difficult places with them and receive their words with respect.

• Validate the damage. All abuse is harmful. Even if it’s not violent, overtly physical, or repeated, it has serious consequences. There is no neutral or positive experience of sexual abuse.

• Be clear that abuse is never the child’s fault. No child seduces an abuser. Even if a child responds sexually or doesn’t protest, it is never the child’s fault. The responsibility always lies with the adult.

• Educate yourself about sexual abuse and the healing process. Understanding what the survivor is going through will help you be more supportive. Resources like “The Courage to Heal” can provide further information.

• Don’t sympathize with the abuser. The survivor needs your absolute loyalty.

• Validate the survivor’s feelings. Their anger, pain and fear are natural responses. They need to feel them, express them, and be heard.

• Express your compassion. Share your feelings of outrage, compassion and empathy, but ensure your emotions don’t overwhelm theirs.

• Respect the time and space it takes to heal. Healing is a slow process that can’t be hurried.

• Encourage the survivor to get support. In addition to offering your own support, encourage them to reach out to others.

• Get help if the survivor is suicidal. Most survivors are not suicidal but if you know or suspect that a survivor is, seek help immediately.

• Accept changes in your relationship with the survivor as they heal. They are changing, and you may need to adapt in response.

• Resist seeing the survivor as a victim. Continue to see them as a strong, courageous individual reclaiming their life.

When a survivor shares their experience of child sexual abuse, they are entrusting you with a painful and vulnerable part of their life. I hope this knowledgeable therapist’s insights and Bass and Davis’ additional guidelines embolden you to respond to a survivor who confides in you with love, grace and support. Because that is what they deserve.