A new recruit for Royal Rangers

I could feel the electricity flowing through my body!

While some of you may have imagined that I put my finger into a light socket and landed in the emergency room, this ecstatic sixth grader was over the moon upon learning our new church was a proud sponsor of the Royal Rangers – an Assemblies of God program geared toward the physical, social and spiritual development of boys from kindergarten to twelfth grade.

Unable to join the Cub Scouts – along with my boon companions – in the small coal mining community of Bentleyville, Pennsylvania due to a scheduling conflict with our church services, I was jumping for joy after discovering a very comparable organization was offered in the colossal red-brick building with stained glass windows directly next-door to my new home in Ellwood City, Pa.

This excited young stripling felt like he just won the Mega Millions Jackpot!

Shortly after slipping into a khaki uniform shirt with a national emblem patch embroidered on one shoulder, the local outpost number on the other and a Pioneers insignia positioned along the top edge of the front pocket, I hurriedly put on a pair of faded jeans and sneakers to check out my brand-new threads in the bathroom mirror prior to scurrying down the enclosed L-shaped staircase and out the front door to become a new recruit for Royal Rangers.

Upon descending into the bowels of the giant edifice which was filled with a flurry of activity on both sides of an accordion wall divider separating the fellowship hall into two halves – one for Royal Rangers and another for Missionettes, I quickly discovered the whereabouts of my Junior Sunday school classmates from the previous weekend as they energetically motioned for me to join them in the second row of seating on the opposite side of the room.

However, I was warmly greeted by my big brother John and his new circle of friends as they razzed me about the unfortunate spaghetti and meatballs incident that happened at the church dinner before making it to my destination.

We need to put you in a safety zone!

“The jury’s still out on Mark Spitz,” confessed Dirk Arkwright with a fiendish laugh as he placed me in a headlock and playfully rubbed his knuckles across my scalp. “In light of what happened on Sunday afternoon, we might just have to start calling you Spaghetti Head; because it has a little more flavor to it then the gold medal Olympic swimmer.”

“Take a whack at this Squirmy Worm,” pronounced Jimmy Bubb, Jr. expressing a great deal of enthusiasm after throwing me up over his shoulder, so all the others could use my hindquarters for target practice. “Considering you like to hand out free smacks, I think it’s high time you received a taste of your own medicine; but it’s too bad there’s not any spaghetti and meatballs lying around for a re-enactment.”

“Hardy har har,” I quipped with an elongated tongue protrusion upon escaping the clutches of the high school sophomore to unite with my new social network of intimate companions.

Following a few opening remarks to welcome the freckle-faced athlete and myself as new recruits for the Pennsylvania outpost, our senior commanding officer – Bill Arkwright – led us in reciting the pledges for the American, Christian and Royal Rangers flags as well as the company motto; whereupon we separated into our individual age groups – Straight Arrows (K-1), Buckaroos (2-3), Pioneers (4-6), Trailblazers (7-9) and Trail Rangers (10-12).

“I’d like to welcome our newest recruit to the bunkhouse,” noted Commander Dick Honneffer, Sr. with a broad smile prior to leading an enthusiastic round of applause for me. “In the event that your fellow bunkmates didn’t already spill the beans, we do a lot of exciting activities, including camping and monthly roller-skating parties; and we’ll be taking a trip to Three Rivers Stadium this summer to see the Pittsburgh Pirates.”

They’ve already shared the good news!

“But how do I obtain one of these nifty brown sashes filled with badges,” this curious newbie questioned with sheer excitement while glancing over at his new best friend sitting beside him.

My youngest son has been earning those badges since the beginning of fourth grade!

Once Chris Honneffer handed me a brand-new Pioneers handbook of my very own which contained all the requirements for a plethora of the embroidered patches, I expeditiously looked through the enlightening manual before listening to the story of how Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego escaped the flames of the fiery furnace during King Nebuchadnezzar’s reign in the Book of Daniel.

When the would-be guardians of truth, justice and the American way reassembled in the multi-purpose room for a time of fun and games, the accordion wall divider was opened up to give the Missionettes and Royal Rangers a unique opportunity to compete in an all-out battle for supremacy with their most treasured sports competition – Seated Volleyball.

It was definitely not a game for the faint of heart!

Immediately after this uncoordinated benchwarmer was placed on the front row in the server’s position, it certainly seemed like my teammates had thrown me to the wolves since I had never played the game in my whole entire life or even knew the rules of engagement.

I looked like a deer in headlights!

Nonetheless, I was flabbergasted when the volleyball actually made it over the net and hit the floor on our opponent’s half of the court, thereby giving us the first kill shot of the set; but I was not expecting the other members of my team to hoist me upon their shoulders to purportedly celebrate the first point of the game.

Personally, I think it was just an excuse to throw me around like a rag doll!

Unfortunately, our little celebration was somewhat premature; because by the end of the match we had been outsmarted and outplayed by the fairer sex.

If memory serves, the phrase “girls rule and boys drool” was the most popular tagline by the end of the evening.