Weird Olympics for conservatives

Opening ceremonies, 2024 Paris Olympics, with the strange French stuff edited out. (Photo by Stephanie Lecocq - Pool/Getty Images)

Fellow Americans, I know that you, like me, were shocked! shocked! at the so-called “Opening Ceremonies” of the so-called “Olympics” in the Sodom that is Paris, France.

Headless ladies, heavy metal, pink feathers, drag queens, smutty scenes in a library, yellow goggle-wearing imps of Satan speaking an unintelligible foreign tongue — whatever happened to wholesome family entertainment like those synchronized salutes at the 1936 Berlin Games?

And that Last Supper scene where Jesus’ table is defiled by a blue man with grapes on his head was a demonic assault on American decency.

As a fellow from a state the French have never heard of put it, these “ woke Olympics ” are “not going to fly in Oklahoma.”

We need a new Olympics, a wholesome, American Olympics without the degenerates and the foreigners.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you TrumpOlympics !

Events will include:

Political Gymnastics

Teams representing the right wing, the left wing, and whatever Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is this week, demonstrate their flexibility in executing the syntactical pretzel, the rhetorical contortion, and the flip-flop .

Contestants will be scored on the shortness of time they hold each ideological position, the position’s outlandishness, and the aesthetics of its total illogicality.

Judges give bonus scores for bald-faced lying.

Insult Marathon

This venerable sport goes all the way back to the Ancient Greeks when Plato said Socrates was a “total loser,” or maybe the early 1990s when Donald Trump got famous for calling women (particularly those who made it clear they weren’t impressed by him) “ dogs,” “pigs,” “horseface ,” “disgusting,” “extremely unattractive,” “low IQ,” and “nasty.”

Each competitor gets 26 minutes to deride, sneer, and lob epithets at the Enemies of America. Degree of Difficulty bonuses: People from countries that aren’t the U.S. (1 pt), Black people (3 pts), Joe Biden (5 pts), Barack Obama (7 pts), Hillary Clinton (10 pts), Greta Thunberg (12 pts), Kamala Harris (15 pts), France (16 pts), kittens (18 pts).

Golf Cart Relay

Teams of contenders race fully loaded carts (set of clubs, cooler with a 12-pack of Coors, full-sized American flag) around the Blue Monster course at Trump Doral, handing off a bottle of Trump Wine to the next driver.

Whoever gets to the water slide first wins.

Artistic Accounting

Top financial athletes invent ways for rapacious real estate grifters to inflate the value of their property, enabling them to borrow vast sums of money, yet magically shrink the value of their property for tax purposes.

This exciting event showcases how years of relentless training in leveraging, lying, and finessing bankruptcy have produced the most muscular CPAs on the planet, able to cook the books while performing a perfect arabesque standing on a pile of Benjamins.

Extra points for a beautifully executed triple plea deal.

MAGA Bible Bee

Muscular Christians vie to answer theological questions by quoting from the Trump Scriptures, demonstrating their deep knowledge of the famous Two Corinthians, the three Marys, and those misunderstood verses about money changers getting kicked out of the Temple.

(So unfair).

Utter Moral Void Diving

This is a real adrenaline rush of an event, a crowd favorite. Contenders in too-tight bathing suits bounce on the board, shout out their most shocking moral reversal, then freestyle dive into a pool of grain alcohol.

Sen. J.D. Vance, who, before he begged forgiveness from Donald Trump, had called the former president of the United States an “ idiot, ” “a total fraud,” and “one of USA’s most hated, villainous, douchey celebs,” is expected to medal.

His amorality and ethical flexibility have stunned fans from Hungary to Moscow.

And, of course, there’s the veteran, Donald Trump: He used to be a pro-choice Democrat.

Plastic Surgery Triathlon

One of the toughest sports in the TrumpOlympics, likely to be dominated by favorites Kimberly Guilfoyle , First Squeeze of First Son Don Trump, Jr. and Florida’s own Congressman, the oddly eyebrowed Matt Gaetz .

Hopefuls compete in the Face Lift 10K run, performing required facial muscle moves such as smiling while racing toward a tanning bed; the Liposuction Long Jump; and the silicone implant 1,500 freestyle swim.

Look for rapidly aging multi-sports specialist such as Sen. J.D. Vance (Collegiate Guyliner Tattoo Winner, Yale 2012) and members of the impressive Mar-a-Lago “Trumpettes” Botox Team to take on the established stars in 2028.

The Defenseless Animal Shotgun Challenge

South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem has long dominated the sport with her impressive puppy killing chops, but Eric (I am not dumb!) Trump and his excitable older brother have been rising in the rankings.

The Trump boys have really honed their skills mowing down endangered animals in Africa (take that, Mister Lion King!) as well as goats, ducks, deer, and anything else with a heartbeat.

The marquee event of TrumpOlympics, the one everyone will be waiting for is, of course, the:

Weird Wrestling Competition.

Strange, perverse people go to the mat with other strange, perverse people, grappling to see who is most socially awkward, generally repellent, and emotionally absent.

The audience acts as judges for this competition. It doesn’t really matter who pins who down in the match, spectators take in the peculiarity of the costumes, the gaucheness of facial hair, the peculiar skin tones, nerd vibes, and hints of fetish-embracing and make their pick for “Pretty Damn Weird,” “Seriously Weird,” and “What in the Living Hell?”

Second seed Stephen Miller , the much-decorated winner of the USA Dead Eyes Pageant (2016, 2017, 2019, 2023) and White Supremacist of the Year (2017, 2020, 2021), lost the America’s Top Weirdo title in 2023 to Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, whose disastrous presidential campaign convinced most of America that he is an odd, unappealing jerk.

But Miller wants that Weirdo title, and he wants it bad.

He’s put himself on a rigorous training regimen involving drinking the blood of virgins, a no-garlic diet, and sleeping in a coffin.

Expect him to take on all comers in an impressive field that includes Fox News’ Jesse Watters, who says that if a man votes for a woman he will “ transition ” into a woman; Rep. Marjorie Taylor “Jewish Space Lasers” Greene, famous for harassing school shooting survivors; and rookie J.D. Vance (that young man is making quite the name for himself!), who’s been wowing everyone, nailing dangerous moves like insulting cat-owning single women, babbling about drinking Diet Mountain Dew, and suggesting people with kids get extra votes.

Still, you don’t want to count out the veteran 14-time champ Donald J. Trump, who can blindside even the freakiest people with talk of sharks, batteries, Black jobs, uncles at MIT, Hannibal Lector, beautiful Christians, and no one ever having to vote again.

That’s galaxy class weird right there.