In case of emergency, punt

I was having coffee the other day with a young guy, a part-time resident in the process of putting down roots. He asked me an interesting question:

“How would you rate medical care around here?”

I hemmed and hawed and finally gave him an ambiguous answer. What I didn’t tell him was the recent experience of my neighbor, who I’ll call Ralph.

I thought Ralph’s story was hilarious, the sort of thing that’s funny as long as it isn’t happening to you.

Here is his story, only slightly exaggerated.

After a two-month wait to see a specialist, Ralph, armed with numerous prescriptions, went to an ABC lab as instructed. The paperwork called for tests and a collection device for samples.

Ralph got there at 3 p.m., only to find the lab closed. After canceling several meetings, he returned the next day to an empty waiting room. He went to a locked door with a window and waved his papers at people on the other side. They smiled, waved back and went about their business.

TRECKER

Ralph then tried to log in at a wall computer but got nothing but static. In frustration, he left and tried to reach the lab by telephone.

VOICE 1, with a heavy foreign accent: This is ABC labs, with outlets in 25 cities in 14 states. Please enter your authorization number.

RALPH: I don’t have an authorization number. I just want to make an appointment.

VOICE 1: I’m sorry. I didn’t understand you. Please select from the following options as our menu has changed. Press 1 if you want to report a theft. Press 2 if you want to learn how we are protecting the environment. Press 3 to guard your identity. For all other inquiries, Press 4.

RALPH, after having pressed 4: I just want to make an appointment at your Naples lab.

VOICE 2, after much static and several false starts: You have an appointment tomorrow at 9 a.m. Please bring your driver’s license and insurance card.

RALPH, dutifully arriving the next day at 9 a.m.: I was told I could get my lab tests and pick up a sampling device.

RECEPTIONIST: You are scheduled today at 1 p.m.

RALPH, after returning at 1 p.m.: I’m ready for my tests.

RECEPTIONIST: We were running a bit early. Your name was called and you weren’t here so you missed your appointment. Our next opening is three days from now.

RALPH: This is terrible. Can I speak to my physician?

RECEPTIONIST: She’s out of the country, I believe in Botswana.

RALPH: What?

RECEPTIONIST: She doesn’t plan to return until July.

RALPH: How about another lab?

RECEPTIONIST: Your physician works for Milieu Physicians Group. This lab is part of the Milieu network. Other labs are part of the NPR network. To be tested at an NPR lab, you would first have to be seen by an NPR physician.

RALPH: How long would that take?

RECEPTIONIST: About a month. Do you have a transfer portal?

RALPH: I don’t know what a transfer portal is.

RECEPTIONIST: We’ve streamlined the whole thing. No paper. Everything is online. It’s fast and easy. Do you have an identification code?

RALPH, in despair: No.

RECEPTIONIST: If you go online, you can apply for an ID code that will allow you to enter our transfer portal.

RALPH: What if I die in the meantime?

RECEPTIONIST: We don’t handle that sort of thing. ¦

— Dave Trecker is a chemist and retired Pfizer executive living in Florida.

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