What It Looks Like When Children Cut Off Their Parents

Suitcase girl leavingPhoto byJose Antonio Alba / Pixabay

For hundreds of years parents have attempted to control their children’s behavior and lives by threatening to “cut them out of the will” (or any inheritance) if they’re not happy with them.

But what does it look like when children cut off their parents?

Family estrangement— described as a situation “when at least one family member begins distancing themselves from another because of longstanding negativity in their relationship”— has been increasing in recent years.

And increasingly it looks less like parents distancing themselves from their children than it does like children telling their parents they’ve had enough—and they’re through.

Why family members are losing contact with one another

A 2020 study found that 27% of Americans above the age of 18 had “cut off contact with a family member.” Professor Karl Pillemer, the creator of that study, has also suggested that number might be on the low side, as many people don’t want to admit to family disagreements.

Pillemer and others have also suggested that, although this subject is not often studied, there’s a perception among therapists and sociologists that parent-child “break-ups” are “on the rise in Western countries.”

According to Joshua Coleman, author of the 2021 book Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict,family estrangement seems to be becoming more common. Of more worry to Coleman, however, is that suchestrangements are becoming “more acceptable and accepted.”

Coleman also says thatmost estrangements between parents and children are initiated by the children.

There are many reasons why adult children are increasingly cutting off contact with their parents.They include:toxic behavior from parents; lack of support; differing values; failing to empathize;and pastemotional, physical, and sexual abuse.

In cases where abuse is cited as the reason for the estrangement, parents and children have very different reactions to emotional abuse. For instance, a 2015 University of Cambridge study found that respondents listedemotional abuseas themost common causeof estrangement. 77 percentof respondents said emotional abuse “was the reason they stopped contacting their mother.” Meanwhile, only 26 percent of parents said they had cut off contact due to emotional abuse from their children.

Many estrangements and child-initiated break-ups have long historical roots. Differing parenting styles can play a role,with many children citing concerns about the harshness of their parents’ disciplinary measures or other factors like parents’ divorce or obvious patterns of favoritism among children.

However, there’s also a growing class of separation that’s being fueled by children wanting to raise their children differently than they themselves were raised. Many adults also cite increasing political and sociological polarization as reasons that they cut off contact with parents and even siblings.

How estrangement happens

There are many different paths to parent-child arguments and estrangements.

Some children hold on to their grievances for years,and simply choose not to remain in contact with their parents. Others keep communicating, but such communications become increasingly hostile or may lead to “volcanic” blow-ups after which family members pledge to have nothing more to do with one another.

Increasingly individuals may also view cutting off their parents as an “expression of personal growth,” or a way to fully engage in values or lifestyles to which they perceive their parents are opposed.

Estrangements don’t always last forever. Studies on this subject find that such disagreements or periods without contact can range from anywhere to six months to several or more years. Also,individuals tend to “cycle” in and out of estrangements, with children periodically opting not to contact or speak with their parents for a time period, then contacting them again, and then falling back out of touch.

There is hope for reconciling

Because estrangements aren’t always permanent,many experts suggest that families not give up hope for better relationships with one another.

There wasn’t much research on this subject for many years, largely due to the stigma attached to family in-fighting. Now more studies are being done to find ways that children and parents may reconcile with one another.

Children who have cut off parents often hope that their parents will behave differently before rifts can be healed. Studies have found that adult children who are estranged from their mothers wish their mothers could be more loving and respectful, as well as able to recognize their own hurtful behavior. Adult children who want to reconcile with their fathers cite a need for their fathers to be more unconditionally loving, willing to stand up for them, and more interested in them.

Experts also suggest that parents whose children have cut off contact have ways to signal to their children that they hope to be reconciled. Parents are encouraged to write short letters or brief voicemails to express support for their children. Many therapists also suggest that parents “listen with compassion” to any reasons their children give them for the estrangement. It may also be very productive for parents to acknowledge that they played a role in the conflict.

As with many complex issues that involve family life and mental health, all participants in such disagreements should consider seeking help through therapy and support from others.