The Funny Business of Parenting – Empty nest fills up again

“Nest Closed for Business.”

I tried hanging this sign on the door, but it didn’t work.

After a time of glorious peace, tranquility and space in an empty nest, a little bird is back.

This is not good for my new and lucrative business, Abandoned Kid Clutter, Inc. Despite a sentimental moment spent clinging to a blue dolphin plushy, inventory has been flying off the shelves.

I know what you’re thinking, but I’m not a monster: I’d informed both birds ahead of time that we weren’t zoned for commercial use as a self-storage facility. They didn’t seem to consider that fact when they flapped their wings and left their things behind.

Who knew that all of the birthdays, holidays and “but-they’re-asking-so-nicely” weak parenting would create a couple of serial collectors and knickknack central? They’d also both had the audacity to get after-school jobs and become savvy shoppers of even more stuff specifically designed to attract cobwebs and torment me later.

Meanwhile, when the child returned, he asked me to help re-organize his room, aka “The Museum of Dusty Video Game Gadgets.” We had to shoo out the remaining tourists, who were marveling over the sheer number of gaming consoles that could fit in one closet and one of the tallest indoor mountains of unidentifiable wires and other techie nerd objects in North America.

After clearing a path to the child’s old bed so he wouldn’t break a leg, we discussed rules for his life back in the nest. The first one involves a crowbar and possibly, a blowtorch.

Also, I just noticed that I can’t get into the bathroom. This is because it’s filled with cardboard boxes. Apparently, after a kid is gone for a while, the amount of acquired toiletries for a fastidious young adult does not fit inside anything smaller than a truck.

I’ll report back soon – hopefully, the bird and I will still be speaking.

Pam J. Hecht is a writer, instructor and mother of two (but not necessarily in that order). Reach her at pamjh8@gmail.com or pamjhecht.com .

This article originally appeared on Greenville News: The Funny Business of Parenting – Empty nest fills up again