When Fear S(mothers) You

By Tonya Allen

I am the mother of two children. As most of you know, I lost my 24-year-old son at the beginning of this year. I noticed that I have this constant fear concerning my one remaining child, my 28-year-old daughter. This fear is constant, and I am in a place where I am constantly asking God to help me.  I am mature enough in Christ to know that fear is not of God and God wants me to trust him and have faith. But how do I do that?

I have always considered myself as a person who is very strong in her faith and completely trust in the Lord in every aspect of my life.  I will jump out there and tell the Lord to catch me. I always believed that I had that type of crazy faith. But here I am, struggling to be released of the fear that has encumbered me concerning my daughter’s well-being.

I understand what faith is. The 11th chapter of Hebrews reminds me that faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. It’s the hope in God’s promises to protect us, to grow us, and to love us. Simply put, faith is the opposite of fear. I know all of this, yet this fear is different to me.  I am calling it, “Mommy Fear”. I believe that I had better control over this Mommy Fear before my son passed away. I know that walking in faith is an assurance that I can enjoy a fulfilling, peaceful, and joyful life in Christ. I was at a point where I was able to pray and just simply say, “Lord, you fix it.” Where is that Tonya now? I honestly don’t know.  I know she is in there and I know that over time, God will show me exactly how to combat this fear.

See it is easy for others to say, “you must choose faith over fear”. I am well aware that it will take my faith to combat my fear. I know that once I accept his love and grace, all of my fears will dissipate, and everything will be fine again. But I have to go through the process to get there.

The first thing I have been doing is choosing to worship instead of worrying. I am using worship as a weapon in my arsenal to combat fear. When I feel fear rising to the surface, I will start singing an upbeat song.  One of my favorites is Smile by Kirk Franklin because of the lyric, “I know God is working, so I smile, even though I’ve been here for a while, I smile.” I feel good when I realize that I have chosen to face my fears by focusing on God’s goodness. Just like I choose to be a believer of Christ, I must choose to practice my faith. This choice involves all of my thoughts and my attitude. I am just going to stand before my Lord and tell him that I am scared and at the same time repeat His words to him and to myself.  “Your Word says you are an ever-present help in a time of trouble. I know that You love me and that You’re working on my behalf right now.” (Psalm 46:1; Romans 8:38-39.) I go to a quiet place and focus on his word instead of my fears. There is purpose to my worship. I worship Him for WHO He is, the good He has done, the good He is doing, and the good He will continue doing.

Second, I have to put my faith to work for myself daily. The fifth chapter of II Corinthians says that I must live by faith and not by sight. I can’t pick which days I use my faith, I have to use it everyday, I must live by it. I can’t give up when things get hard or scary, I have to rely on my faith in God constantly. I recently had to have surgery for a torn rotator cuff and I am enduring weeks of physical therapy. My physical therapist is really good at motivating me, her words are soft but her actions are intentional. “If you do not work this shoulder, you will lose this shoulder.” She says these words soothingly while she is pulling and pushing on a very painful shoulder. She is completely unaware of how she is speaking to my soul. Her theory applies to my faith. If I don’t make the conscious effort to use my faith, to trust in God and His promises every day, my faith will begin to diminish. If I don’t use my faith; I will lose my faith. Fear opens a door that only faith can close.

Lastly, I have to face these fears. I am admitting to myself, my husband, my daughter, my Pastor, my prayer partners, and most importantly to my God that this fear exists and I need help. I need prayers and reassurance that my faith will get me through this storm. When we are weak in our spirit, when we have a strong hold, sometimes you need someone to pray for you. Not the typical, “I will pray for you.” No, I need that brother or sister in Christ that will pull you aside and say, “Let’s pray right now.”

My faith is not about how I feel, it is about what is in my heart.  My faith in God is the most important thing in my life. I can’t let there be any type of crack in my armor, Satan is waiting on the crack to be a break big enough to enter through. I won’t let that happen, so, I have to put my faith to work!!  I have no choice in this matter, I have to be intentional. I am feeling stronger and more secure each day. Just like I deal with the pain from physical therapy and doing the work for a stronger shoulder, I will do the hard work, the spiritual therapy to press forward and choose faith over fear, no more s(mother)ing in Jesus Name. I got this!!

All articles can be found on gumptownmag.com . Tonya can be reached at godlovestee@gmail.com .

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