Are post-engagement blues normal? A life coach explains

Getting engaged is supposed to be one of the happiest times of your life, but what if the ring on your finger has left you feeling blue?

Here, life coach Hattie MacAndrews explores why a sparkling ring can cause so much malaise.

Post-engagement anxiety

"Is it normal to feel anxious after getting engaged? This summer my boyfriend of five years proposed, and I'm feeling overwhelmed with anxiety, worry and a general feeling of confusion.

"We are happy together and I know this is what I want, but why do I feel so sad? Since he proposed, we've started arguing more and I don't want to engage in conversations about the wedding because it makes me feel stressed. Are post engagement blues normal or should I be worried?

Hattie's advice

Let's start by assuring you that yes, this is completely normal. Anything you're feeling, whether it's anxiety, overwhelm, sadness or confusion is completely normal.

There's a multitude of reasons why you might be feeling this, but I promise you are not alone. Saying 'yes' is opening up space for a big change in your life, and if you're someone who doesn't cope well with change (like most people) then there's nothing to panic about here.

Let's dive in and try to help you get to the root cause of why you might be feeling this way.

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Take the pressure off

As we all know, we can't fight our feelings. There is absolutely no point in trying to deny or resist how you feel – it is what it is. The sooner you can start to accept that, the easier this will be.

When you have awareness around 'how' you feel, you have the power to start to understand 'why' you might be feeling that way. There are lots of ways that you can make sense of the 'why' – and I would suggest you get a piece of paper and a pen and write down all the thoughts that come into your head.

Try and get clear on exactly which of the elements surrounding the engagement you're struggling with. It could be a whole range of reasons, from the overwhelm of having to think about planning a wedding or worrying about how much it might cost.

READ: My relationship ended the day I announced my engagement – here's what happened

Perhaps you're someone who feels discomfort around change, or you're battling to get your head around your new identity as a wife. Once you know where the root cause of your worry comes from, you have the power to shift it.

There are far, far too many of us living life with the unnecessary pressure of ticking society's boxes. Or constantly trying to please our families. Or doing things in the right order, the way you're supposed to.

My absolute number one top tip for happiness? Don't get caught in this trap. You will never reach the 'end'. Some people are engaged for a couple of months, and for others, it's years. There's no right or wrong way. Tune out the exterior noise (and pressure) and hone in on what it is you really want.

Try to remember how you felt before you got engaged

You mentioned that you were happy before the engagement and that this is what you wanted. Just because you haven't responded how you thought you might, it doesn't mean there's anything to worry about.

What can you do, change or focus on to enable you to enjoy this time? I know it might not seem like it now, but this is a lovely time in a relationship. My best advice is to stop thinking forward past today.

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Don't worry about the wedding, the planning, the logistics and the financing. This can, and will all come when you're ready and the time feels right. Focus on enjoying your relationship entering this new stage, while learning to ease that pressure.

Talk to your partner

It's no secret that communication is the key to success. And despite it being hideously cliché, it's completely true that a problem shared is a problem halved. Don't suffer in silence. Chances are, they are also feeling a certain way and speaking about this will validate your experience and stop making you feel so alone.

Approach the conversation with love and kindness, allowing them the opportunity to truly understand how you feel, and together how you can move forward. Perhaps this looks like focusing on the present, and not worrying about the wedding for another year. Maybe it means agreeing to keep open lines of communication so you both know where you stand.

DISCOVER: How to have a happier relationship according to a relationship psychologist

If you have friends who have recently got engaged or married, try and talk to them too. It's more than likely that some, or most of them felt something similar at some stage.

Embrace the change

Ultimately, what you are experiencing is a reaction to change. Consider what you need to do in order to embrace this next stage in your life.

The outpouring of love, bombardment of texts, well-meaning calls and cards is enough to make anyone feel overwhelmed, especially if you're not used to being the centre of attention or declaring your love so publicly.

Personally, when I was engaged, I initially struggled with the shift in identity. It felt like the only thing interesting about me was that I was getting married, and everything else paled in comparison.

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I've never been particularly interested in weddings and would prefer to discuss life plans than table plans. I felt like there was so much more to my life than a new ring, and so found the attention stressful and at times frustrating. It was only when I shifted this mindset and flipped it around to understand that it was all coming from a place of love that I was able to ease this pressure.

I saw that it was all meant as well-wishes, excitement and joy for us, and so instead of internalising it as stress, I was able to be thankful for having a life so filled with love.

Above all else, this is a strange time filled with change and emotions. You are cementing your commitment to a person you love.

If you entered this stage of your relationship with no doubts, then there's no logical reason for these new ones to linger. Be kind to yourself. Take that pressure off. Remember that our feelings are fleeting, and this won't last forever. Like everything else in life, this too shall pass. So enjoy it while it lasts.

Find out more about working with Hattie