Source: Joce Blake / @joce_blake
In Natasha Rothwell ’s new series, How To Die Alone , viewers are thrust into a refreshingly honest portrayal of a plus-size Black woman navigating love, loneliness, and the world’s narrow beauty standards. It’s a powerful reminder of the daily struggles faced by women who look like me—plus-size, Black, and unapologetically human. But as I watched, a painful question resurfaced: Why are plus-size Black women viewed as unlovable?
Dating and desirability is one of the toughest topics for Black women especially Black women over a size 12. Seeing that I meet those qualifications, I have a few thoughts. The roots of this issue are deeply intertwined with anti-Blackness, fatphobia , and misogyny. From an early age, plus-size Black girls learn that their desirability is conditional. Unlike their thinner, lighter-skinned, or white counterparts, they aren’t afforded the luxury of being seen as lovable or beautiful. Instead, we are cast as the sassy best friend, the asexual caretaker, or the butt of the joke—a sidekick in a narrative that centers on someone else’s beauty and desirability.
While swiping through a myriad of dating profiles, I have been struck by the growing frequency of profiles seeking a “fit” or “active” woman. Initially, my optimistic side longed for this to be a testament to the increasing emphasis on wellness and self-care. However, I had to face reality and acknowledge that, for many, these requests were primarily about physical appearance. It became dishearteningly clear that the focus was not on shared values, passions, or intellectual connections but on body type and aesthetics.
This trend perpetuates the harmful idea that a woman’s worth is tied to her physical appearance, reinforcing unrealistic beauty standards that can lead to low self-esteem and body image issues. It is crucial to remember that a person’s value extends far beyond their physical attributes. True compatibility and lasting relationships are built on mutual respect, shared interests, and emotional connection, not on body size or shape.
This narrative does more than damage self-esteem ; it contributes to a culture that refuses to see plus-size Black women as full human beings. We are overlooked in dating pools, policed in our friendships, and dismissed in professional settings. We are told to be grateful for crumbs of affection, to settle for less, and to silence our desires. And when we dare to demand more, we are met with hostility, skepticism, or silence.
But it ain’t gotta be this way. We MUST shift the conversation from questioning our worth to questioning the systems that perpetuate these harmful narratives. It starts with media representation that reflects the fullness of our lives. We need more stories like “How To Die Alone” that don’t shy away from showing plus-size Black women as complex, desirable, and worthy of love. We need to see ourselves as the protagonists of our own stories—not just in media, but in our daily lives.
I may still be stuck in my fairy tale dreams but I believe true love transcends physical attributes and embraces the beauty of individuality. Seeking a partner who values you for who you are, both inside and out, is the key to finding lasting happiness and fulfillment in a romantic relationship.
In a world that tries to tell us otherwise, plus-size Black women are not unlovable. We are radiant. We are powerful. We are worthy. And we are here to rewrite the narrative, one unapologetic love story at a time.
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The post Redefining Desirability: The Truth About Love and Plus-Size Black Women appeared first on HelloBeautiful - Fashion, Beauty, Lifestyle and Hair Care for Black Women .
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