Review: Wolfs

Title: Wolfs

Describe This Movie In One Pulp Fiction Quote:

THE WOLF: If I'm curt with you it's because time is a factor. I think fast, I talk fast and I need you guys to act fast if you wanna get out of this. So, pretty please, with sugar on top. Clean the fucking car.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Rival cleaners join forces to solve issues and yell at clouds.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: 2 Simon Le Bons out of 5.

Tagline: "They're not partners, they're not friends, they're..."

Better Tagline: "Alphas? Dudes? Help me out here."

Not So Brief Plot Synopsis: A New York district attorney (Amy Ryan) finds herself in a bit of a pickle when the young man she brought to her hotel room ends up dead. Calling a mysterious number yields Jack (George Clooney), who tells her he's the only person who can do what he does (make big problems go away). This is the case for all of 30 seconds until Nick (Brad Pitt) shows up. He's been summoned by the hotel owner (a disembodied Frances McDormand), who orders the two to work together. And then things — as so often happens in movies like this — start getting out of hand.
"Critical" Analysis: As the above Pulp Fiction quote indicates, Wolfs is about two fixers: people who clean up delicate situations. The kind of character the guy who did a hit and run on a jogger thinks Clooney was in Michael Clayton . Based on the life of actual Hollywood sleuth-by-way-of-porno-movies Paul Barresi, the movie offers a glossy look at those working in the murky periphery of fame and power.

Sorry. That probably makes Wolfs sound more interesting than it is.

In theory, a hangout movie incorporating elements of After Hours , Midnight Run , Pushing Tin , and other reluctant buddy flicks should be fun instead of tedious. Director Jon Watts ( Spider-Man: Homecoming and its two sequels) seems to think the easy chemistry Clooney and Pitt shared in the Ocean's movies doesn't require much direction.

He's wrong about that. The irascible Jack is no Danny Ocean, and Nick is a slowed-down version of his rival. Maybe the joke is supposed to be that characters like these are always portrayed identically for a reason. If so, it's not particularly well-executed.

This is Clooney and Pitt's first onscreen pairing since Burn After Reading . Happily for Pitt, his role in Wolfs doesn't end as abruptly, though there is a definite Butch and Sundance cadence to the final scene, if not the movie itself.

In theory, having these two insult each other for a couple hours is a no-brainer, but there's a weariness to their performances (Pitt is especially checked out).

Speaking of that, I don't care how handsome Pitt was/is, it's past time to have characters referring to him as "kid." He's 60 years old! That'd be like carding my gray-haired ass when I'm buying Copenhagen.

Watts must have been wanting to get away from fun movies like the Spider-Man films. There's action (an overlong chase sequence), the expected side characters ( Never Have I Ever's Poorna Jagannathan as an unlicensed doctor), and a decent amount of humor. Most of the latter is courtesy of Austin Abrams as the unwilling focal point of the wolfs' efforts.

Wolfs wants to be a Dad Movie but isn't kinetic or funny or violent enough to qualify. Speaking as a father myself, I'm not mad, just disappointed.

Wolfs is now streaming on AppleTV+.