These are the most frequent offenders among the condescending phrases you might not realize you are using.
Too many of us hear insulting offhand comments that hurt our feelings at work.
According to a new Lean In and McKinsey report out this month, most employees believe there has been no progress on how companies handle microaggressions, or the everyday slights that can affect an employee’s feelings of safety and belonging. In the survey of more than 480,000 men and women in the workplace, the majority said there had been no positive change in this area over the last 10 years.
Sometimes the intent of these comments is obviously racism, sexism, homophobia or other forms of prejudice meant to belittle co-workers.
But these condescending comments can also be coming from clueless colleagues. “Condescension in the workplace generally comes from three places ― not being aware of how your communication style impacts others, frustration manifesting itself as passive aggressiveness or a desire to lift oneself up,” said career coach Becca Carnahan .
These are the most frequent offenders of condescending phrases that you might not realize come across as dismissive to someone you work with, experts say:
1. ‘I’m sorry you feel that way.’
This platitude is “a weak attempt to express empathy” that shuts down conversations, said Tessa West, an associate professor of psychology at New York University and author of “ Jerks at Work: Toxic Coworkers and What to Do About Them. ”
“It ‘ticks the empathy box,’ so to speak. But it feels invalidating at the same time because it doesn’t contain any language signaling that the listener is willing to dive into the source of the emotion being expressed,” West explained. “Plus it’s something parents use on their toddlers when they’re throwing tantrums... and adults don’t like to be treated like toddlers.”
2. ‘We’ve already tried doing that, and it didn’t work.’
How you tell someone “no” can hurt or help your working relationship. Any version of the phrase “We’ve already tried doing that, and it didn’t work” is common to hear, and it can dismiss a new team member’s fresh perspective, Carnahan said.
“Instead of shutting down an idea immediately because something similar has been done before, the conversation can be approached with curiosity while providing context,” Carnahan explained.
“Something like ‘I see where you’re coming from with that idea. We did try something similar years ago and had challenges with execution, but share a bit more about how you’re thinking we could try it now,’” she continued. “Times change, and by changing your language with co-workers, you can unearth great new ideas and empower team members to continue contributing instead of shutting down.”
3. ‘You’ll understand when you’ve done this longer.’
Assumptions about someone else’s capabilities or seniority based on their age are unfortunately all too common at work.
But statements like “You’ll understand when you’ve done this longer” dismiss someone’s experience “as not being valid because of age or their tenure with the organization, instead of answering the question and providing insight,” said Janine Vanderburg, who leads the anti-ageism nonprofit Changing the Narrative .
Watch out for similar ageist statements like “You need to wait your turn” and “Really, you’re suggesting that? How long have you been here?” Vanderburg said.
And remember that these rude assumptions affect both older and younger employees. Just last week, Vanderburg said she heard someone mention in a meeting that the target market might not appreciate the proposed features because “old dogs don’t want to learn new tricks.”
This wording is “condescending because it dismisses people based on outdated stereotypes as not being willing to learn, to adapt or to experience new things,” Vanderburg said.
4. ‘Don’t worry about those details ― I’ll handle it.’
A phrase like “Let me just do that” may be “a co-worker’s way of expressing frustration for having to correct someone else’s work, or it could be an attempt at being helpful that comes across as dismissive of someone’s skills,” Carnahan said.
Managers can be particularly guilty of sounding patronizing when they do not explain their actions or they do not let direct reports handle problems on their own.
When this happens, “they are cutting learning short for a team member,” Carnahan said. “Seek to understand where an employee needs support rather than making assumptions or rushing past learning opportunities.”
Reframe your language in order to have more productive and less condescending work conversations.
How to be less accidentally condescending with colleagues.
Sounding condescending can be avoided if you approach potential conflict with more genuine curiosity about your colleague’s experience and you stop assuming your perspective is best. Here’s how:
Ask questions that are genuinely curious.
If a co-worker frustrates you by not understanding a process or doing work incorrectly, lead with curiosity and seek to understand where they are coming from, Carnahan suggested. “For example, ‘I noticed that we had to redo the data pull for this project. Is there part of the process you could use help with?’” she said as an example.
Offer solutions while being direct.
Instead of being passive-aggressive, be direct about the effect of someone’s mistake while offering resources to advance growth. This way your critique is actually productive.
For example, if you’re a manager who needs to give feedback to a colleague, you could say, “I want you to be successful in the role and offer you the support you need. Let’s sit down to talk about the challenges you’ve encountered and make a plan for some additional training to help you get there,” Carnahan said.
Stop using buzzwords.
To avoid coming off as insincere, stop using common platitudes like “Sorry you feel that way” when you communicate. Instead, spend more time digging into the behaviors behind the other person’s feelings, and talk through why you might have interpreted those behaviors differently, West said. In other words, invite a conversation ― don’t shut it down.
“Simply saying, ‘Let’s talk about why you feel that way. Can we discuss our recalls of what happened in that meeting so we can get on the same page?’” is a good start, West said.
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