Photography nonprofit offers Remembrance Portraits for parents suffering loss of a newborn

Warning: This piece contains photographs of deceased children who have been posed to look as if they are sleeping. The families of these children have given News 19 permission to show their photos in hopes of reaching families who may one day find themselves with the option to use the services provided by Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. (WHNT) – The saying goes ‘a picture is worth a thousand words,’ but it can be worth more when there aren’t words for the unspeakable: the loss of a newborn.

Nationwide nonprofit Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep is made up of a network of volunteer photographers. When called, they travel to hospitals nearby and take Remembrance Portraits of a family with the child they will have to leave the hospital without.

“These aren’t just the last pictures a family will have. Oftentimes, they are the only pictures they can show people of their baby,” photographer Burt Rich said.

Rich is the North Alabama area coordinator for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. He has photographed more than 200 sessions for families across the Tennessee Valley.

“I can visualize the babies and the parents because it means so much to me,” he said. “We talk to the baby as if the baby could hear us. That’s one of the reasons we want to do the photos in the room with mom and we want mom to know we recognize that child.”

One of those mothers is Laura Deffenbaugh.

“You could have your moment with your baby and grieve how you needed to, remember the moment, and he was just kind of there, almost in the background,” Laura said.

The Deffenbaughs have used Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep twice; in 2015 for their daughter Charlotte. In 2017, for their son Henry.

“It was all we were going to have left, especially the next few days and you’re waiting and it’s all you have left,” husband Charlie Deffenbaugh said.

Charlie and Laura Deffenbaugh said the pictures helped their daughter Nora process the loss as well.

“Kids have a hard time processing those emotions. Adults do too, but kids have a hard time understanding that especially, so for her to have something to look at and remember, it just gives you peace,” Laura Deffenbaugh said.

Parents and siblings can be in the photographs too.

“[Laura’s] heart was radiating out of her face. The pain and the love simultaneously for what she was going through with this baby lying on her lap. It grabs me, I’ll tell you that,” Rich said.

On other occasions, parents are apprehensive about touching the child during shoots and would rather stand back while Rich works.

“I would say over 90% of the time, when mom has not wanted to be in the pictures, when I finish the baby-only pictures 10 feet away from her and then pull the baby over and say ‘Mom, can I borrow your hand?’ She’ll hold the baby’s hand and before long, she’s feeling the toes and I would ask, ‘Are you okay holding your baby? And normally, usually, ‘Yes.’ So I just have to be ready and moms do what moms do, and that’s the most natural thing in the world.”

A nurse stands by during each session, ready to step in and comfort a mother as needed. Huntsville Hospital Palliative Care and NICU Small Baby Coordinator Beth Kirby and Rich have worked together for more shoots than she can remember.

“We have really terrible experiences when a baby dies. We can’t fix everything. All that we can do in those moments is do everything we can to make them feel as much of a family as they can be,” Kirby said.

She explained that nurses go through the motions of bathing and dressing the child, doing fingerprints and giving the family time to be together. Then they ask if the family would like photographs. Kirby said she encourages family to consider it, not from the position of a nurse, but a fellow mother who has lost a child.

“Before I became a nurse, my husband and I had a loss and the nurses were wonderful here taking care of us and took pictures of our son. But we didn’t have Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep back then,” she said.

She and Rich explain that Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep is not simply documenting the loss of a child. Before photographers return any photographs to the parent, they undergo an editing process. They are studio-quality in black and white and sepia. They are also re-touched.

“The color view shows all the pain involved,” Rich said. “The color will bring back all of those bad emotions, whereas our pictures are gently retouched. The trauma of delivery has been removed.”

The photographs are sent via email link. The link will never expire, so a family can choose to view the photographs when they are ready. Rich said some families decide they never want to view them, and Rich understands that too.

Then there are times a parent initially rejects the offer of their services entirely, and he understands that too. One of those mothers is Fern Jones.

She lost her daughter Jase in 2013.

“It was so emotional and just the idea was off-putting and so initially I was like, ‘No thank you,'” Jones said.

Then Rich spoke to Jones about a loss of his own, and the grieving process that led him to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.

“My oldest grandson passed away in 2010,” he said.

TJ was 19 when he died, two years after receiving a cancer diagnosis.

“I did a lot of photography during those two years,” Rich said.

“He told me about his own experience with his grandson and he had documented it. He told me that it would be amazing to me later. I may not appreciate it at that moment because of my grief and he was absolutely correct. It changed my life,” Jones said.

Jones’ pictures of her daughter now hang above her bed. She also wrote an article about her grieving process and what those photos mean to her now.

“If you go on the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep website, you will see us, and its part of [Jase’s] legacy,” Jones said. “He basically brought her back to life in a way, in a form. She is going to forever live on because of what Mr. Burt did for me.”

A photograph may feel as light as a feather, but the weight it can carry is immeasurable for those who have experienced loss.

“You are laying your loved one, your baby, to rest. There’s no more – but those pictures give you something to hold on to. It gives you things to treasure. It’s a gift. It really is a gift,” Jones said.

“They’re priceless to me. Priceless, truly,” Laura Deffenbaugh said.

Rich is in his 80s now and drives from Tennessee to North Alabama whenever his services are needed. He has no plans to change that.

“The story is important. Its there. And the love that was in the room is definitely in those images,” he said.

Rich and the organization are asking for more volunteers, whether it be for dispatch, photography or editing, he said even doing one shoot a year can help the organization immensely. To learn more about volunteering, click here .

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