3 Things I Wish I'd Known Before My Marriage Ended

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No one can ever really prepare you for divorce. Sure, you might’ve seen friends or even parents go through it — but until you’re walking that path, it’s hard to fully grasp how devastating it can be.

After more than twenty years of marriage and nine children, my then-husband chose to end our marriage with an affair.

I never really thought I’d face the pain of being replaced. After all, who checks out of a marriage with such a big family? I was committed to my marriage and did everything in my power to make it work.

But when you’re on the other side, clarity comes, and it’s easier to look back and see where things might’ve gone wrong. Here are three things I wish I’d understood before my marriage ended.

1. Loving Too Blindly Can Mean Losing Yourself

I devoured every book on affair-proofing my marriage, love languages, and mastering a successful relationship. I listened to hours upon hours of Dr. Laura. If there were a degree for trying to be the perfect wife, I probably would’ve earned it.

Loving someone fully is beautiful, but loving blindly can mean losing who we are. I gave everything I had to make him happy. I somehow thought if I gave enough, it would make us both happy.

I loved with all my heart, but never stopped to consider he might not feel the same. Somewhere along the way, I forgot to check in with myself. Were my needs being met? Was I okay, too?

Takeaway: Love is meant to be balanced. When one person gives everything while the other only takes, it’s time to pause. Loving someone doesn’t mean losing ourselves. A healthy marriage is a partnership, not a one-sided effort.

“Don’t let someone be a priority when all you are to them is an option.” — Maya Angelou

2. You Don’t Have to Be Hit to Be Hurt

There were no bruises or broken bones. Physical abuse wasn’t a line I’d tolerate. But I realized someone doesn’t need to hit you to break you down.

No one ever told me I should leave. I made sure our marriage looked perfect on the outside. But there were wounds, and they ran deep.

Sometimes, words cut sharper than knives. “We all know you don’t have any logic.” “You’ll never be as good as my mother.” “Why can’t you ever just get it right?” At first, they seemed offhanded, but they got worse.

Instead of seeing what was happening, I tried harder to do better and be better. To prove I was enough. I believed him when he showed me I wasn’t good enough. Not just with words, but his actions, looks, and the neverending sighs.

I began questioning everything, even my worth. I convinced myself it was my fault. After all, if I were the problem, then the marriage could still be good, and our family could stay intact.

Looking back, I see sometimes the deepest wounds are the ones we can’t see. The ones that make us feel small, unsure of ourselves, and so very alone.

Takeaway: Trust yourself. If you feel hurt, diminished, or constantly on edge, listen to your inner voice. We all deserve to be cherished and respected.

“The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal.” — Astrid Alauda

3. Trust Your Intuition

Toward the end of my marriage, things went from bad to worse. The respect was gone and I wasn’t sure if I should keep fighting for our marriage or let go. He’d become someone I no longer recognized.

The red flags were there —like late nights and the little red sports car. He started caring more about his appearance, learning Portuguese, and putting an unknown password on his phone, something he’d never done before.

Whenever I questioned the changes he’d accuse me of being jealous, turning my questions into accusations.

I searched high and low for proof, my radar on high alert. It took my heart a long time to accept what my mind, on some deep level, already knew.

I spent a long year in limbo, trying to hold on and hope I was wrong. I wanted desperately to believe in the man I married, wishing he was the exception.

But things became unbearable, and I filed for divorce. Not long after, the proof of his affair with a Brazillian woman fell into my hands.

All those little red flags suddenly made sense.

Looking back, I wish I’d trusted my instincts. I spent that year doubting myself, trying to convince myself it was in my head. But deep down I knew. It’s funny how denial works — we stay stuck until we’re ready to see it.

Takeaway: If something feels off, listen — your instincts are there for a reason. Our gut feeling is the most honest guide we have. That quiet voice that whispers is there to protect you and your peace.

“In any given moment, we have two options: to step forward into growth or step back into safety.” — Abraham Maslow

Finding Clarity

This isn’t about whether to stay or leave, but recognizing when something isn’t serving you — and finding the courage to face it. Trust your inner voice to guide you toward what you need.

It may not be the ending you hoped for, but it might be just the beginning you need. We all deserve peace, respect, and to feel valued. Trust yourself, you already know what’s best for you.

“Never be afraid to fall apart; it presents an opportunity to rebuild yourself the way you wish you had been all along.” — Rae Smith