Your Kids Will Spot the Difficult Parent in High Conflict Divorce

Divorce is tough on everyone, but kids often bear the brunt of the emotional fallout. When parents part ways, kids learn to navigate their new reality, often quickly identifying the more challenging parent. The kids may have a loyalty to both parents, which puts them in the middle of it all.

Here are some clear indicators that help kids spot the difficult parent during, or after, a high conflict divorce.

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1. Constant Criticism of the Other Parent

Kids feel torn when one parent continuously criticizes the other. They notice when one parent can't say a kind word about their ex-spouse. This constant negativity makes the difficult parent stand out as someone who can't let go of the past, which puts unnecessary stress on the kid.

2. Inconsistent Rules and Expectations

Kids thrive on consistency. When one parent sets rules and sticks to them while the other constantly changes the game, kids notice. The difficult parent might swing from being overly strict to completely lenient, leaving the kids confused and anxious about what to expect.

3. Using the Kids as a Messenger or Spy

Kids should never become go-betweens for their parents. A difficult parent might ask the kid to relay messages, report on the other parent’s activities, or share details about their time spent with the other parent. This puts the kid in an unfair position and creates a loyalty conflict.

4. Playing the Victim

The difficult parent often adopts a victim mentality. They might frequently tell the kid how hard things are for them and how unfairly they’ve been treated. While it might be an attempt to gain sympathy, it burdens the kid with adult issues they shouldn't have to handle.

5. Emotional Manipulation

Kids are perceptive. They notice when one parent tries to manipulate their feelings. Whether it’s through guilt-tripping, emotional outbursts, or trying to buy their affection, kids quickly recognize these tactics and feel the strain of navigating such emotional terrain.

6. Disrespecting the Kid’s Time with the Other Parent

A difficult parent might interrupt or interfere with the kid's time with their other parent. This could be through excessive calling, unplanned visits, or scheduling activities that conflict with the other parent's time. Kids recognize this behavior as disrespectful and controlling.

7. Involving the Kid in Adult Conflicts

Kids shouldn’t be exposed to adult conflicts. A difficult parent might vent about legal issues, financial struggles, or personal grievances in front of the kid. This not only stresses the kids but also forces them to take sides in matters they shouldn't be involved in.

8. Failing to Respect Boundaries

Kids need boundaries to feel secure. A difficult parent might struggle with respecting these boundaries, whether it’s by intruding on the kid's privacy or making unreasonable demands. This lack of respect makes the kid wary and uncomfortable.

9. Lack of Support for the Kid’s Relationship with the Other Parent

Kids need to feel loved and supported by both parents. A difficult parent might undermine the kid’s relationship with the other parent by discouraging contact, speaking negatively about them, or not attending events when the other parent is present. Kids pick up on this lack of support and feel the tension it creates.

10. Emotional Unavailability

Lastly, kids notice when a parent is emotionally unavailable. A difficult parent might be too wrapped up in their own issues to provide the necessary emotional support. Kids need to feel seen and heard, and when this doesn't happen, they feel neglected and struggle with their own emotions.

11. Attempting Parental Alienation

One parent might try to alienate the other from the kids, badmouthing the other parent and painting them in a negative light. Initially, this tactic might work, especially if the kids are young and impressionable. The alienating parent might convince the kids that the other parent is untrustworthy or unloving, creating a rift in the relationship.

However, this strategy rarely succeeds in the long term. As kids grow older, they begin to see through the manipulation. They notice the discrepancies between what they’ve been told and their own experiences with the alienated parent. Over time, they may resent the parent who tried to manipulate their feelings and relationships. This realization can damage the kid's trust and respect for the alienating parent, ultimately backfiring and creating a more strained family dynamic.

Wrapping Up

By staying proactive, positive, and focused on your kid's best interests, you can counteract attempts at alienation and ensure that your bond with your kids remains strong and resilient.

Navigating life after divorce is challenging for everyone involved. By recognizing these behaviors, parents can strive to improve their actions and create a more harmonious environment for their kids. They deserve to feel loved and secure by both parents, regardless of the circumstances.

https://highconflictinstitute.com/divorce-coparenting/what-to-tell-the-kids-about-a-high-conflict-co-parent/

https://www.webmd.com/parenting/kids-coping-divorce

https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/restoring-families/how-to-tell-kids-about-divorce/