Silent Sabotage: The Stealthy Nature of Covert Narcissism

When we think of narcissism, we often picture someone loud, arrogant, and full of themselves. However, narcissism can wear a different mask—one that's much harder to spot.

This is the world of covert narcissism, where the narcissist doesn't shout their greatness from the rooftops but subtly manipulates and controls, often leaving a trail of emotional confusion and pain.

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Understanding Covert Narcissism

Covert narcissism is the quiet counterpart to the more obvious, grandiose narcissism. Covert narcissists may not boast about their accomplishments or seek the spotlight, but they still crave admiration and validation. They tend to be more introverted, sensitive, and prone to self-pity, using these traits to elicit sympathy and control from others.

Unlike overt narcissists, who might openly demean others, covert narcissists use more subtle methods to assert their superiority. They might present themselves as victims or misunderstood geniuses, subtly putting others down to feel better about themselves.

This behavior often leads their partners, friends, and family to feel confused, questioning their perceptions and reality.

The Silent Sabotage

One of the most insidious aspects of covert narcissism is the silent sabotage. Covert narcissists don't usually engage in obvious power plays or dramatic confrontations. Instead, they undermine and manipulate in quiet, often unnoticed ways.

For example, a covert narcissist might subtly criticize a partner's achievements, framing it as "constructive feedback" or express disappointment in a way that makes the partner feel inadequate.

They might also play the martyr, using guilt to control and manipulate those around them. This kind of behavior can erode the self-esteem and confidence of their victims, leading them to constantly seek approval and validation from the narcissist.

How They Try to Sabotage You, and Your Sucess

Identifying when a covert narcissist is trying to sabotage your success can be challenging, as their tactics are often subtle and hidden under the guise of concern or support. However, there are certain signs and patterns to watch for that can indicate they're undermining your achievements and self-confidence.

1. Backhanded Compliments

Covert narcissists often disguise their criticism as compliments, making it difficult to recognize the negativity. They might say things like, "I'm surprised you did so well, given how busy you've been," or "You did a great job, for someone without experience." These remarks seem positive on the surface but carry an underlying message that belittles your accomplishments.

2. Minimizing Your Achievements

When you share your successes, a covert narcissist might downplay them or make them seem less significant. They could say things like, "It's not that big of a deal; anyone could do that," or "It's just luck." This diminishes your sense of pride and satisfaction, making you doubt your abilities and worth.

3. Shifting Focus to Themselves

Covert narcissists often redirect conversations about your successes back to themselves. For instance, if you talk about a recent promotion, they might respond with a story about their own past achievements or how they influenced your success. This shift in focus is a way to maintain their own importance and diminish your accomplishments.

4. Subtle Discouragement

They may subtly discourage you from pursuing new opportunities or goals, expressing doubts about your abilities or the feasibility of your plans. They might say, "Are you sure you're ready for that responsibility?" or "That sounds really challenging; maybe you should think it over." This undermines your confidence and can make you second-guess your decisions.

5. Withholding Support or Encouragement

A covert narcissist might not openly criticize you but instead withhold support, encouragement, or recognition when you achieve something significant. They might change the subject, offer a lukewarm response, or fail to acknowledge your success altogether. This lack of validation can make you feel unappreciated and isolated.

6. Playing the Victim

They may use guilt to sabotage your success by portraying themselves as the victim. For example, they might say, "I guess I'll be seeing less of you now that you're so busy," or "It's great you're doing so well, but it's been tough for me without your help." This makes you feel guilty for your achievements and may pressure you to put their needs above your own.

7. Creating Drama or Conflict

Covert narcissists often create drama or conflict around your successes, either by making passive-aggressive comments or starting arguments. This distracts you from celebrating your achievements and forces you to focus on resolving the conflict instead.

8. Feigning Concern

They might express fake concern about your well-being or stress levels, saying things like, "I'm just worried you're taking on too much," or "I don't want you to burn out." While this may sound caring, it often serves as a way to plant seeds of doubt and encourage you to scale back on your ambitions.

9. Gaslighting Your Success

A covert narcissist might make you question your own achievements by downplaying their significance or suggesting they were due to factors outside your control. They might say, "Are you sure that project was really your idea?" or "I thought the team did most of the work." This can lead to self-doubt and confusion.

10. Comparing You to Others

Finally, they might compare you unfavorably to others, saying things like, "It's good, but look at what [someone else] did," or "You've done well, but it's not as impressive as [another person's] achievement." This can make you feel inadequate and diminish the joy of your success.

Recognizing these signs can help you protect yourself from the covert sabotage of a narcissist. It's important to trust your instincts, maintain your confidence, and seek supportive and positive influences in your life. Remember, your achievements are valuable and deserve to be celebrated.

Breaking Free from Covert Narcissism

Recognizing the signs of covert narcissism is the first step toward breaking free from its hold. It's important to remember that just because someone isn't openly aggressive or boastful doesn't mean they aren't engaging in harmful behavior.

Pay attention to patterns of manipulation, passive-aggressiveness, and the ways they make you feel.

If you find yourself in a relationship with a covert narcissist, setting clear boundaries is critical. Don't let them undermine your self-worth or make you doubt your perceptions. Seek support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist who can help you navigate the situation and regain your sense of self.

Final Thoughts

Covert narcissism may not be as visible as its more overt counterpart, but it can be just as damaging. The silent sabotage and emotional manipulation used by covert narcissists can leave deep scars, making it vital to recognize the signs and take steps to protect yourself.

Remember, you deserve to be in relationships where you feel valued, respected, and supported. Don't let the subtlety of covert narcissism keep you from seeing the truth and seeking the healthy, fulfilling connections you deserve.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/making-the-whole-beautiful/202304/understanding-covert-narcissism

https://artflorentyna.com/how-do-i-know-that-i-am-dealing-with-a-covert-narcissist/