The Dark Appeal of Success: Why Narcissists Pursue High Achievers

Narcissists have an uncanny ability to seek out and latch onto those who shine the brightest—high achievers. While it may seem like a superficial attraction to power and success, the reasons behind this pursuit run much deeper.

Narcissists aren't just drawn to your accomplishments; they’re enticed by the unique qualities that come with being a high achiever. It’s these subtleties, often unnoticed by others, that make you an irresistible target.

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The Desire for Validation

One of the less obvious reasons narcissists pursue high achievers is their deep-seated need for validation. Narcissists thrive on external approval, and nothing feeds their ego more than being associated with someone who has already garnered respect and admiration from others.

It’s not just about the status; it’s about the endless supply of validation they can siphon from your accomplishments. They revel in the reflected glory, using your success as a tool to bolster their own self-worth.

The Challenge of Conquest

High achievers present a challenge that’s intoxicating to narcissists. Conquering someone who is successful, confident, and self-assured offers a rush that they can’t resist. It’s not just about winning you over; it’s about the thrill of breaking down someone who, to the outside world, appears invincible. Narcissists often see your self-sufficiency as a puzzle to be solved—a challenge to their manipulative skills.

Once they’ve drawn you into their web, they gain a sense of power that goes beyond the superficial. It’s about proving to themselves that they can control even the most independent and successful individuals.

Exploiting Emotional Intelligence

High achievers often possess a high level of emotional intelligence, a trait that narcissists find incredibly useful. Your ability to understand and manage emotions makes you more empathetic, a quality that narcissists exploit with precision.

They know that your empathetic nature will likely drive you to try and “fix” them or understand their erratic behavior. This dynamic gives them control, as they play on your empathy to keep you engaged, all while they continue to manipulate and drain your emotional resources.

The Allure of Stability

Success often brings with it a certain level of stability—financial, emotional, and social. Narcissists are naturally drawn to this stability because it offers them a safe harbor from their own internal chaos. They seek out high achievers because your grounded nature contrasts sharply with their turbulent inner world.

By attaching themselves to your stability, they believe they can absorb some of it for themselves. However, instead of finding peace, they usually end up creating turmoil, leaving you to pick up the pieces.

The Need to Mirror

Narcissists are experts in mirroring—the psychological tactic of reflecting someone’s behaviors, attitudes, and emotions to create a bond. When they pursue high achievers, they often mimic your drive, ambition, and confidence to make you feel understood and connected.

This mirroring isn’t just a tactic to gain your trust; it’s also a way for them to temporarily adopt traits they admire but inherently lack. By becoming a reflection of you, they can bask in your qualities without having to develop them themselves.

But this mirror is a facade—once you’re hooked, their true nature emerges, leaving you wondering where the person you initially fell for went.

Undermining Your Confidence

A high achiever’s confidence is often a shield against the world’s challenges, but to a narcissist, it’s a game. Once they’ve established a connection, their next goal is to undermine that confidence. They do this subtly, through backhanded compliments, gaslighting, or by minimizing your accomplishments.

Their ultimate aim is to weaken your self-esteem just enough so that you become more dependent on them. It’s a calculated move to tip the balance of power in their favor, making it easier for them to control you.

The Fear of Abandonment

Though it may seem paradoxical, narcissists fear abandonment more than anything else. They pursue high achievers not just because of the external benefits, but because they believe that your success and stability make you less likely to leave them.

This fear drives them to hold on tightly, even if it means resorting to manipulation or control. They view your success as a safeguard against the one thing they dread the most—being left alone with their own inadequacies.

The Desire for Intellectual Stimulation

High achievers often possess a level of intellectual curiosity and creativity that narcissists find both intimidating and alluring. Narcissists crave intellectual stimulation, not because they value learning, but because it provides them with new material to manipulate or boast about.

Your insights, ideas, and creativity become tools they can use to enhance their own image. However, this attraction is one-sided; while they may initially seem interested in your thoughts and ideas, their primary goal is to extract whatever serves their agenda.

Wrapping Up

The dark appeal of success for a narcissist goes far beyond the surface level of power and prestige. It’s rooted in a complex web of validation-seeking, control, and exploitation. As a high achiever, it’s important to recognize these subtle dynamics and protect yourself from being drawn into their game.

While your success may attract admirers, it’s important to stay vigilant about those who may not have your best interests at heart. Understanding the true motivations behind a narcissist’s pursuit can be the first step in safeguarding your emotional and psychological well-being.

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https://medium.com/the-ascent/im-a-professor-of-human-behavior-and-i-have-news-about-the-narcissists-in-your-life-9a8ea81c7882