Midlife Joy: Embracing Positivity & Finding Happiness

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I think it is time we flip the script on midlife. Ever since I turned forty a couple of years ago, I have heard warnings about midlife. The perimenopause/menopause horror stories, the “good luck with that” comments when people hear I have a teenage daughter, random health worries that suddenly keep me up at night, the reality that our family members are not getting any younger seemed to hit me from every angle once I turned 40. Yes, midlife is really challenging for many reasons, I think the narrative surrounding it is making it even harder.

While I believe it is important to be informed and provide support for women in midlife, I also think it is really important that we look on the bright side of things too. When I first started experiencing many of the common midlife symptoms and stresses, I became obsessed about learning about perimenopause. The more I learned, the more I stressed myself out about all of the symptoms that I could be experiencing. Every account I read about it was a laundry list of all of the horrible things that can happen to your body in the 10 or so years leading up to menopause. It almost became a self fulfilling prophecy. I was basically willing these negative things to come into my life.

Now I am not dismissing the fact that your body (including your brain) undergoes significant changes during midlife. I woke up one day and my ears suddenly started itching like crazy. After about a week of feeling like I losing my mind, Dr. Google told me this was a common perimenopause symptom. Now that is just one minor side effect, I know many women are suffering with very serious side effects as their body makes the transition into menopause.

This article is not here to help you deal with the serious physical and mental impacts of perimenopause. I will leave that up to the medical experts.This is my current favorite book on the topic. It is all about your mindset when it comes to perimenopause and beyond.

Understanding Midlife Joy

Midlife has plenty of misconceptions. I know that I am guilty of having a narrative in my head about it being nearly impossible for me to stay in shape/healthy once I turned 40. Anytime I found myself around a group of women my age and older, the conversation quickly turned to people one upping each other about the various medical ailments. I have always been a runner and people would tell me that I would probably have to stop running after 40 because it would be too stressful for my body.

Even TV shows helped drive this narrative. When I was a kid, all of the 40 something moms on my favorite sitcoms had a frazzled and frumpy look to them.

This time of physical and hormonal change is often paired with a very busy and stressful time in terms of work and family obligations. When faced with an impossibly full calendar, taking care of your health is often the last thing on most women’s to do list.

Mindset and mental health play a huge role in midlife joy and happiness. I am sure you have meet people who seem to have a happy glow to them even though their life circumstances have been anything but joyful. I like to see those kinds of people as beacons of hope that show the rest of us that joy is available to anyone.

Joy vs. Happiness

A common question that comes up when talking about this topic is: “What is the difference between joy and happiness?” The easiest way to explain it is happiness is a feeling tied to external circumstances. For example, I will feel happy when I get a new job. Joy is an internal feeling that you have regardless of external circumstances.

We can’t control many of the things that happen to us but it is within our power to shift our mindset to one of joy.

Strategies for Finding Joy

Finding and creating more joy in your life is not a passive activity. You need to make the time and space for it on a daily basis. The great thing about joy is that it does not require a fancy vacation or for you to quit your job in order to create more joy in your life. The small mindset shifts and actions you incorporate into your every day life are the things will bring you more joy in your life.

Reconnect with Passions

Hobbies? Who has time for hobbies? You do! They are not just for retired people or people with extra time on their hands. Hobbies made a comeback during the pandemic (anyone take up making sourdough bread?) and were one of the few things that brought people joy during that time. Well, it is time to dust off those crochet needles to make time for your favorite hobbies again.

Blame it on our productivity-driven society but so many people feel guilty if they are doing something that is not considered productive. Technology makes it really easy to blur the lines between work and home. It has also made it so easy for people to get ahold of you, we have been programmed to respond to work emails while we sit with our families for dinner (don’t do this by the way, it is bad habit!!). Everyone you see on social media is talking about their latest six figure side hustle they started selling their homemade pot holders or something equally obscure. This makes us all think we should try to monetize our hobbies too.

What about doing things just for the love of doing them? When was the last time you did something just for fun?

You could:

• Go for a nice easy run because you felt like it instead of training for a marathon.
• Cook dinner with your family without worrying about trying to create a Pinterest-worthy production.
• Do a jig saw puzzle just for the fun of it.
• Take a pottery class and let yourself feel like a beginner.
• Play pickleball for the sheer fun of it. You don’t need to try to become the league champion and beat the women you are playing against.
• Watch a funny TV show. Bonus points if there is a laugh track in the background if they even do that anymore.

You get the idea. Just pick something that sounds fun to you and make the time to do it weekly or even daily if you can swing it.

Strengthening Relationships

Relationships can be a great source of joy in your life if you take the time to nurture them. I know this can be a challenge for many reasons but I know for sure, the effort you put into your relationships will pay off ten-fold. You ever hear the saying that in order to have great friends you first need to be a good friend to others? It is very true. Try it for a week. Spend a little bit of time each day working on the relationships in your life and watch what happens. It does not need to be some grand gesture. A thoughtful text message. Picking up the phone and calling someone just because. Talking to your teenage daughter in a kind, loving way instead of the critical way you typically do.

Assuming positive intent is also a total game changer when it comes to healthy and strong relationships. Think about the story you are telling yourself about the people in your life. “He never helps with dinner. It is like he just thinks dinner appears out of nowhere every single night.” Does that sound like a thought you have about your partner? What if instead of telling yourself some kind of story like that, you took a few minutes to talk to your partner about how you are feeling and asked them to make dinner 3 nights a week? I promise that is much better than you resenting them and getting mad every single night.

It may also be necessary for you to set firm boundaries with people in your life. If you have a person in your life who is addicted to drama and complaining, it may be time to have a conversation with them or build some distance between you two. Taking time to regularly assess and reevaluate relationships in your life will help make your relationships more meaningful.

Maybe your evaluation of your friendships has caused you to realize that you need more friends in your life. Making friends as an adult can be pretty challenging because it requires you to put yourself out there. Volunteering is one way to positively impact your community and make friends. Or perhaps you will make new friends once you start to get more involved with your new hobby. The important thing is to put yourself out there and to be patient.

We are experiencing a massive loneliness epidemic and it is having significant impacts on our health and happiness. Taking the time and energy to nurture your relationships is one way you can work to combat loneliness and add more joy into your life.

Health and Wellbeing

Focusing on the habits that improve your physical and mental health are great ways to add more joy to your life. While it may not feel joyful in the moment to eat a salad instead of a pizza, the way a salad will make you feel in the long run is much better than how that pizza will make you feel. This is a place that can easily feel overwhelming so start with micro habits. Add a ten minute walk after dinner and pay attention to how it impacts your mood for the evening. Put your phone away at least an hour before bedtime and notice how much better you sleep.

There has never been a better time to find easy, healthy recipes to prepare. Make an effort to cook one new healthy recipe a week. If you don’t like cooking, keep at it. I do not love to cook but I work to make myself find some joy in it since it is a necessity.

When you sleep well, eat whole foods, manage your stress, and move your body on a regular basis, you will feel better. If you feel better it is easier to feel more joy.

Career and Personal Growth

I started a new job this year. After spending 17 years doing the same job, I made a big career change. Teaching high school was a big change from teaching elementary school but it has brought me so much joy. While change and growth is scary and hard, it is also invigorating.You don’t need to make a massive career change to experience joy. Working on a new project or going after that big promotion may be a great way to spark joy.

Personal growth is another way to add more joy to your life. You can listen to a personal development podcast while you walk your dogs (Mel Robbins is my favorite) or find a book from the library to read. I used to have a bad attitude about personal development. I thought it was cheesy and a waste of my time. I have completely changed my mind about this after seeing what a positive change it has made in my life.

Go Find Some Joy

Life is what you make it. There are hard, overwhelming things that happen to all of us. Midlife is full of challenges and hurdles that you can’t control. The one thing you can control is your mindset though. Start with one more thing and see how you feel.