Technology is pretty great, all things considered. Sure, it could all go wrong at any moment, but in the meantime, we've reached a nice little plateau of comfort that serves to make life a little more interesting and entertaining at the very least.
Smartphones, smart homes, smart glasses, smart TVs — just about every piece of tech on my person or in my environment is brainier than me now, and doesn't it just make everything about life that little bit easier?
It's a real weight off of my mind not to have to scroll through 80 different shows to find something ultimately as unsatisfying as anything else that's made available to me through instant gratification, on-demand TV libraries.
Not to mention never needing to learn anything ever again as I get my smart assistant to answer all of my vapid questions without any personal research required other than remembering its wake word. I don't even have to regulate my own body temperature thanks to Google Home.
It leaves me free to focus on the finer things in life, like sitting on the couch in my underwear and chowing down on an endless supply of fearmongering existential dread as I doomscroll my way through the internet via my phone for hours at a time. Modern life is bliss. Aren't we all such happy campers?
Buzz buzz, chime chime . Oh, there is one nagging intrusion into my otherwise idyllic pacification that some would call a life: my smartwatch — the annoying parental figure in the room who apparently doesn't like it when I'm having a little bit too much "fun."
A wearable helicopter parent
"Looks like you haven't moved in six hours."
Yes, I'm well aware, and I'm currently trying my hardest to beat my own personal best.
"Why don't you get up and move around a bit?"
I'd love to but that would really interfere with the strict vascular mithridatism regime I'm on to help fend off the onset of varicose veins in my later years.
"Are you drinking enough water?"
Steady on, Google. What am I, five? I haven't had a glass of water since I discovered that flavor and/or alcohol was a thing.
My smartwatch is less of a digital timepiece and more of a constant reminder of Saturday mornings as a teenager, worrying about my mother peeking her head into the room and asking me to stop being at peace with myself and go help my dad with some needlessly long and arduous house maintenance task. Pressuring me into some form of slave labor in recompense for them having to have changed my diapers as a baby.
It's like having a David Goggins-esque gym bro strapped to my arm at all times, incessantly pushing me towards achieving a goal that goes beyond finishing season 5 of The X-Files in a single sitting — all while I wolf down triangular corn-based snacks dipped in blended vegetables devoid of their original health benefits after being soaked in a sugary tomato sauce.
My smartwatch doesn't care if I'm happy, entertained, or actively engaged with it. I'm not sure it cares about anything beyond how many steps I've taken in the day or if my current campaign of rot and comfort is a little too sedentary for its liking. However, honestly, you sort of have to respect it for that.
Netflix and sit still
It's not something any other app or device would do. There's no warning message as you scroll through your 100th YouTube short, letting you know that you've fallen into a time sink and it's probably the ideal opportunity to take a much-needed break from the internet.
And the only reminder you're going to get about putting the controller down as you spend hours at a time gaming is when your opponents inevitably find some reason to insult you and suggest you go outside and "touch some grass."
Sure, Netflix may offer the occasional "Are you still watching?" prompt to check if you're alive as you autoplay your way past every third episode. But that's far from altruistic.
It's less about asking you to move away from the TV and more about making sure the company isn't needlessly wasting money on bandwidth after you've either fallen asleep with the TV on or rushed to the bathroom after a particularly spicy batch of salsa runs right through you.
The dark arts of avoiding disengagement
At no point will Netflix say, "You've watched a lot of TV today, why not enjoy a nice stroll in the park for a bit?" That would force you to disengage from the app and go do something else that's potentially more rewarding or productive. And for products and services, disengagement is practically death, with companies even willing to meddle in the dark arts of psychology to do everything they can to force you to stay hooked.
Disengagement breaks you free from the short-term, dopamine-driven feedback loops that companies cleverly craft to ensnare your attention for longer and longer periods. And we know they do this because we have people like former Facebook VP of User Growth Chamath Palihapitiya telling us they did — openly confessing to their "tremendous guilt" over how these subtle methods of manipulation "are ripping apart the social fabric of how society works."
While Palihapitiya may show remorse, the companies that run the show aren't. They're banking on that continued engagement and are willing to exploit your attention spans and anxieties in order to retain it. Regardless, as studies have commonly found, the negative outcomes on your physical and mental well-being .
Tech that keeps you in line, one step at a time
Smartwatches are probably the only piece of smart technology that isn't afraid to shake you from a content coma and get you back on track—even if that means calling you fat and lazy in the process.
It's one of the few pieces of technology we're expected to keep with us at all times, while not requiring us to be constantly enthralled by it as if captured in the gaze of a vampire. Its active engagement only involves fashioning you into an overall healthier person rather than an available set of eyes for advertisements.
Despite being less chill than a nuclear blast to the face, the humble smartwatch is perhaps one of the few pieces of consumer smart tech you can count on to have your back for all (or, at the very least, most) of the right reasons.
It may be inconvenient at times, but your smartwatch's tough love is an altogether familiar one. Just as your parents were during those formative teenage years, it's only looking out for you.
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