Satire: Old Fears Seem Silly Now

Some stuff just seems trivial.

Firewall of ignorancePhoto byCartoon by Lambert-King

I’m at the point in life to where the temptation is to look backwards, and not forward. Generally speaking, that’s not a good thing to do. But if we do look backwards maybe we can learn from the past. I recently looked at the past via old TV commercials. I discovered the things people used to stress over seem so trivial now.

In the meantime, I try to find new things to enjoy. Recently I’ve discovered the wonderfulness of stretchy pants. Where have these things been all my life? Nacho Libre was really on to something. Things like that discovery give me hope for the future.

But I was talking about insignificant fears of years gone by as expressed via TV commercials. And here we go:

1: Having dandruff was devastating.

One commercial for a dandruff shampoo followed the adventures of an attractive young woman who suffered from dandruff. Everybody was talking about it behind her back until some young boy blurted out the ugly truth. Our heroine had dandruff.

Armed with this knowledge, our intrepid hero bought the right shampoo. Problem solved. Afterwards she interacted with her boss whose inner monologue said in a leering voice, “Pretty hair.” At that point I’m afraid dandruff wasn’t her biggest problem.

2: Running out of Camel cigarettes seemed to be a fear for some.

One guy said he would walk a mile for a Camel. The irony is, if that guy got his hands on enough Camels, he wouldn’t be able to walk a mile.

3: Loneliness and making friends were issues.

OK, these are a legitimate issue, but the solution was a bit desperate. So, how does a lonely person make friends? With Kool-Aid. Make a pitcher of Kool Aid and friends will come out of the woodwork. So, if you see a neighbor making a pitcher of Kool-Aid, it could be a desperate cry for help. Or an indicator they are broke an d thirsty.

4: Some smokers were afraid some nefarious force would try to forcibly try to make them switch cigarette brands.

Tareyton smoker actually said, ‘I’d rather fight than switch.” And some even sported black eyes. So, were other cigarette manufactures coercing smokers to change brands? Was it a gang thing? I don’t know, but something was going on.

5: People were deathly afraid of having body odor.

Dial soap captured the palatable fear of having BO with their slogan, “Aren't you glad you use dial? Don’t you wish everyone did?”

6: Running out of coffee seemed to be a real fear for some housewives.

What type of relationship creates the fear of running out of coffee? Coffee definitely wasn’t the biggest issue in those families.

7: Men were forced to closely monitor their use of hair products and cologne.

To illustrate, if men used more than a little dab of Brylcreem, the gals would all pursue him. In a similar vein the cologne, Hai Karate made men so irresistible to women, instructions for self-defense were included in each package. Heaven help the guy who used two dabs of Brylcreem and some Hai Karate.

8: Kids were afraid to set their aspirations very high.

Some were relegated to wishing they were Oscar Mayer wieners. These kids could have really used vo-tech.

9: Weirdos with a fetish for squeezing toilet paper were also a source of anxiety.

Mr. Whipple maintained on constant alert for that sort of thing while occasionally slipping into that snare himself.

10: Sometimes overachieving brought painful results.

Take Ralph. Ralph couldn’t believe he ate the whole thing. His wife assured him that he did indeed eat the whole thing and he needed to take Alka Seltzer. I thought I’d end this on a positive note of one man’s accomplishment.