Satire: Senior-Proofing the White House

Changes should be considered.

The White HousePhoto byDavid Everett StrickleronUnsplash

A long time ago, in a faraway galaxy, it was possible to make jokes about politicians and then not have to duck for cover. It was actually possibleto point out something was actually funny or ironic, just for humor’s sake, and not have it be construed as a political statement.

Even politicians could laugh at the jokes, or at least not go ballistic about it. Certain politicians were considered to have personal traits. For example, Ronald Reagan was old, Bill Clinton was a womanizer, Al Gore was robotic, and Dan Quayle was the butt of jokes about him being not too bright. At least that what topical comedy was based on.

Those days are gone.

Many years ago, I did a comedy service for radio stations, and I wrote about the Kennedy Compound being sold. Of course, Ted Kennedy had a reputation as a drinker. Those factors produced a joke that went something like this:

The Kenney Compound was recently put up for sale with an asking price of $7 million. I know that sounds like a lot of money, but the wet bar alone is worth $ 4 million.

Well, it’s hard to do stuff like that now, but regardless of who wins the White House in the upcoming election, they figure to be old. And the White House may need to be senior-proofed. Here are some things to considered:

1: Conventional teleprompters to be replaced by Jumbotron.

Those teleprompters can be hard to see. Make it easy on an old guy by giving him something he doesn’t have to strain to see.

2: Put an escalator on Air Force One.

It seems like those stairs are really hard to navigate. Save an old guy’s body and dignity.

3: Revive the position of Groom of the Stool.

English monarchs used to have a groom of the stool. Basically, that guy helped the king go to the bathroom. How much help the groom provided is up for debate. I’m not saying the groom of the stool should go into the stall with the President, but he could check the Pres out when he comes out. He could make sure the President didn’t have toilet paper on his shoe or tuck his jacket into his pants.

4: Make an adjustment in the movie room.

Perhaps show more presidential movies. Something like My Fellow Americans. You might remember that as a movie where two former Presidents from different political parties banded together for the common good. In other words, political fantasy.

5: Create another new position, White House Spotter.

The White House is huge, and an old guy could get lost in it. The White House would have eyes on the Pres at all times. Putting out a silver alert on the President is a bad look.

6: The White House kitchen should be fully stocked.

With puddings of all flavors.

7: Modify the Situation Room.

Call it the “Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino Room. Presidents could get in touch with real Americans by watching old episodes of Jersey Shore. After all, that was reality TV.

8: Make a change in the Oval Office.

The Oval Office can be a stressful place. Rather than and Oval Office, make it The Ovaltine Office. Ovaltine is supposed to help relaxation and sleep. Well, upon further reflection, maybe promotion of sleep isn’t needed.

9: Diverse recreational facilities may be needed.

The White House does have a bowling alley, but do old guys really need to bowl? Bowling balls weigh between eight and sixteen pounds. Kind of heavy for guys who are eightyish. Maybe a shuffleboard court would be better.

10: The White House pool should be made safer.

There shouldn’t be a deep end of the pool. Plus, the bottom of the pool should be cushioned. And no speedos allowed. That last thing was for everybody’s benefit.