Satire: Math Problems for Today's World

Finally, math you can use.

X equals alimonyPhoto byCartoon by Lambert-King

I did ok in math when I was in school, though I never particularly liked it. One of the common complaints I heard about math, and other subjects for that matter was, “We’ll never use this stuff.”

In addition, when it came to math, I especially didn’t like “story problems.” Those were problems where you try to make practical application of math. Well, a lot has changed since I went to school, but in order to show practical application of math in today’s world, I decided to break out some modern story problems. As you will see, you need to know more than just math to make this work.

An NBA player with a long-term contract decides he likes the strip clubs in another NBA city better than the ones he frequents in his hometown. How many games will he have to miss with a bogus injury to get his team to trade him?

Boy, lots of variables in this one. How good is the player? How big is his contract? For a mega-star, it seems like about 10 games ought to do it.

Having said that, the upcoming NBA collective bargaining agreement will probably impact that. Boy, there’s always new math to keep up with.

A businessman owns a building in an area zoned commercial. It’s typical of the other properties in the area, which are appraised for $500,000. What should he value his property at?

Once again, more information is needed. Where is this appraisal going? If it’s going to the IRS, then that number might come in at $300,000. If it’s appearing on a loan application as an asset, that number is probably closer to $700,000.

A politician who advocates family values has 12 affairs. Ten are with women over 18, one is with an underage girl and the other is with a man. How many affairs can he confess to and still remain in office?

Lots of variables here. Which district or state does he represent? How much hush money does he have to spread around? Will his political party support him? How likely is the press to uncover the whole sordid mess? Will his spouse back him when push comes to shove?

Remember, not all affairs are equally weighed. The underage girl can be very problematic, as can the male, depending on the district or state.

As a general rule, the answer here would be three, excluding the underage girl and male. He might be able to stretch to five if he finds religion and gets some backing of prominent religious leaders. In political law this is known as the, “I have sinned law of political math.”

The CEO of a major oil company wants to price gouge as much as he can. How much more can he charge for a gallon of gas when there is anything that is even remotely rumored to have a negative effect on oil supply?

So, what viable scapegoats are there? Can you pin it on the political party in power? Is the public distracted by other events? As a rule of thumb, go for $1 a gallon then take a quick break. If the public outcry isn't too loud go for another 50 cents.