Satire: It's Time for Some New Acadamy Awards Categories

Who woud win these categories?

Oscar AwardsPhoto byCreative Commons: ocusonmore.com

I, like many Americans, no longer watch the Acadamy Awards ceremony. It’s generally speaking, pompous, overblown, and just boring. Except for what will be known as, ‘The Incident” from a couple of years ago.Most of us have seen, The Slap Seen Around the World.” Yes, Will Smith slapped Chris Rock after Rock made a tasteless joke about Smith's wife.

I’m not going to delve into “The Incident” a whole lot. But I think Smith may have opened the door for some new Oscar categories. Consider these possibilities:

1: Best assault by an Oscar recipient.

Obviously, Smith would have been the hands-down winner this un 2022, or pretty much in any year. Smith would have gotten bonus points for perpetrating his attack on camera. Sure there have been attacks by actors before but none have had the flair of Smith’s attack.

Smith’s sense of timing helps his assault transcend other attacks of miscellaneous unhinged actors on random victims.

2: Worst joke told at the Acadamy Awards ceremony.

Once again, 2022 set the standard. Obviously, Chris Rock’s joke didn’t land as well as Will Smith’s slap.

3: Best fake smile by an Oscar nominee who loses.

You have seen the reactions to Oscar losers. What a bunch of happy good sports they are! Right. We all know actors are all well-adjusted, humble people.

4: Best taunt by an Oscar winner.

Rather than droning on about the little people who helped them win, how about taunting the people that didn't win? Something like, “In your face losers!” You, know, the type of thing that would draw a penalty in the NFL.

5: Most Entertaining Movie snubbed by critics.

It seems like the movies I like are generally snubbed by critics. Based on their reviews, you’d think I was tasteless.

6: Best Movie spoken in English, but that still needs subtitles.

Sure, some movies are allegedly done in English, but they are still hard to understand. That could apply to movies done in the UK, or starring Sylvester Stallone, or any one of a number of guys doing a bad Brooklyn/Jersey accent. Or any one of a number of other regional accents.

7: Wardrobe most likely to suffer a malfunction.

We’ve all seen movie stars wearing outfits that seem to defy the laws of physics. The stars involved seem to be relying on prayer to keep their erogenous zones covered. Just think of how catastrophe it would be if their outfit slipped!

Look at how that type of “exposure” killed the careers of Kim Kardashian and Sharon Stone. Wait, being told that’s not the way things happened.

Why, if I didn’t know better I’d think these stars wanted to exploit their bodies to promote their careers.

8: Best Unintentional Comedy.

We’ve probably all seen movies that were billed as dramas, but were so bad they were funny. As an example, take Star Wars: Episode 3. Anakin’s dialogue with Padme is shockingly stilted and just plain hard to listen to. And what’s with Obi-Wan Kenobi’s dialogue? “Younglings?” Really?

And while Yodi is a likable character, when you listen to him, is he a deep thinker, or dyslexic?

9: Best action movie where you can actually follow the action.

For example, I watched a Transformers movie. I honestly couldn’t tell who was battling who in action scenes. It was really hard to know who to root for. LIke that time Geraldo got in a fight with a skinhead.

10: Movie that appeals to the lowest common denominator.

Actually, there is a mathematical formula that could determine the winner of this category. You take the number of teeth of moviegoers and divide by said number of moviegoers. The lower the number, the more the movie appeals to the lowest common denominator.