Satire: Athlete Endorsed Fragrances

Aaron Judge may have started something.

Aaron JudgePhoto byCreative Commons: DR. Buddie

Ralph Lauren has a new fragrance out. It’s called Polo Est. 67. He has Aaron Judge as the spokesperson. Many wisecracks ensued. My take was “Polo Est. 67, take a whiff.” Baseball fans among you know what I mean. I decided to take things a little further and picked ten more athletes and some fragrances they could represent. Here we go.

Phil Jackson: Buss Stop

Love at a Buss stop? It could happen. Phil had a long-term relationship with Lakers’ owner, Jeanie Buss. Buss recently married comedian, Jay Mohr. So, was Phil was just a Buss stop on Jeanie’s journey of love? Was Phill thrown under the metaporical bus?

Brett Favre: Intercepted

Ever had a pass intercepted? Brett knows the feeling. Whether it’s a romantic pass or a football pass, it stinks to have it picked off by someone else. Of course, Brett Favre also allegedly picked off state funding earmarked for poor people. He’s allegedly looked at picks from both sides now.

Mookie Betts: Wager

When Mookie Betts, he bets on himself. His fragrance reflects that. It’s “Wager,” when you have enough confidence to bet on yourself.

Connor McGregor: Sober Up

If you’ve gone on a bender and need to cover it up that up with some alcohol camouflage “Sober Up” is for you. It’s not only the overpowering aroma, but also the application. Slap it on. Hard. Relatedly. It will also help with the sobering up process.

LeBron James: Longevity

Think you still have game but are being held back by old man smell? Then Longevity is the stuff for year. It comes in an easy open bottle. For extra affect, splash a little on your bald head.

Aaron Rodgers: Conspiracy

Think people have been talking about you? Surrounded by little brains who don’t realize the world is being run by a cadre of little green men who are part of a secret society? And these guys are trying to kill you by some nefarious means? Then you are ready for conspiracy. It will make people wonder, “What’s that smell.” Get them thinking.

7: Travis Kelce: Swift Retreat

Have you made a bold move that’s resulted in a relationship, but you're not sure it will last? Then you need “Swift Retreat.” This tells your significant other that you love them, but you’re riding loose in the saddle. You’re ready to make a make a “Swift Retreat.”

8: Mike Trout: Invisible

Are you a really nice guy, but nobody notices? Do you thrive when nobody else is around? Romantically, is it like you are in the witness protection program? “Invisible” was made for you. You still won’t get noticed, but you will still have the satisfaction of knowing you won’t be noticed for stinking.

9: Kevin Durant: Ringer

Have you plowed through a number of relationships in search of another ring? Does a lack of self-confidence lead you to be subordinate in a relationship? Do you feel that soon you won’t be attractive to winners? Well, Ringer lets people know you are looking for someone to take you to heights you can’t reach by yourself. If that’s you, try Ringer. Quickly.

10: Barry Bonds: Suspicion

Do you seem to have it all? Wealth, good looks, etc. But do people think it’s all based on plastic surgery and a financial house of cards. Then splash on some “Suspicion.” It should work until you are ready for the sequel to Suspicion, called “Apathy.”