Satire: Old Age is a Matter of Adjusting

Some are easier than others.

Insurance breakthroughPhoto byCartoon by Lambert-King

I love those Pink Panther movies with Peter Sellers. I especially like his scenes with Kato when he is creeping around his apartment waiting for Kato to spring upon him and attack. Seller’s Clouseau character had to be ever vigilant. It’s a lot like getting old.

Years ago, the Chicago Cubs had a player who always seem to have to adjust his jock (and that’s giving him the benefit of the doubt) when he came up to hit. Absolutely no camera awareness, but I digress. The announcer made this tongue in cheek comment, “Baseball is a game of adjustments.” So is it getting old. So, here are some adjustments we make when we get old.

1: My stomach is never empty.

I noticed that some of my medication is not supposed to be taken on an empty stomach. And I’m never sure when I will need to take a new medication, so I’m ready.

2: Regardless of what shape you are in, you become comfortable in your own skin.

That’s because it’s relaxed fit. While you might not be comfortable in your clothes, your skin grows to accommodate you.

3: Use memory loss to your advantage.

Most of the stuff you forget probably doesn’t matter. And if you would like to forget something, you have plausible deniability.\

4: Adjust terminology regarding aging in your own mind.

For example, “old” might sound scary. I saw the term, “late adulthood.” Maybe that’s better. Well, as I think about it, I’m not crazy about the term “late.”

5: Medications make it possible for seniors to be sexually active longer than ever before.

Actually, it seems like more attention is given to ED than senility. The result is seniors that are “Senile but Virel.” Which will be a T-shirt. And you wonder why grandma doesn’t want to go to the nursing home.

6: Think of body in different terms.

For example, I saw an article about changes in the “reproductive system.” If you are to the point you can reproduce, is it still a reproductive system? It reminds me of that, “if a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it does it make a sound” question.

7: Adjust your activity to a healthy level.

For example, maybe we can’t run 26.2 miles which is a marathon, but maybe we can run a half marathon. The .2-mile half.

8: Build your immune system.

The best way to be immune is to have a great lawyer and lots of money. Your body’s immune system is another subject.

9: Adjust your fluid intake so has not to have to get up to go to the bathroom frequently at night.

For example, last night I had a Diet Pepsi last night before going to bed. And I got up to pee once. Of course, I actually peed three times but that’s another issue.

10: Set reasonable expectations for yourself.

“Great Expectations” is a really tough read and a poor way to go through life. Moderate expectations play better.