Satire: This Week in History, March 25-31

Included is an amazing archeological and an advance in medicine.

history headingPhoto byMarkus WinkleronUnsplash

Another week, another look back into history. Included in this week is a discovery that would have made Indiana Jones proud as well as a medical breakthrough that has made countless men happy. Women maybe not quite as much. And here we go.

March 25, 1306: Robert the Bruce is crowned King of Scotland.

I have never heard of a position or title called the Bruce. Wouldn’t you have to be named Bruce to be the Bruce? I would think the Bruce would be the greatest of all Bruces. Did Robert change his name to Bruce? I’m thinking that Robert the Bruce would be not as good as being the Duke of Earl.

March 26, 1997: 39 members of the Heaven’s Gate cult were found dead.

They were apparently waiting for a spaceship to whisk them away from earth. There’s nothing funny about 39 people being found dead, but at first, I thought it was a different group who were victims of angry investors from the movie, “Heaven’s Gate.”

March 27, 1998: The USDA approved Viagra for use for erectile dysfunction.

No doubt millions of guys were waiting for the USDA to give it a thumbs up.

March 28, 1854: England and France joined forces with the Ottoman Turks against Russia in the Crimean War against Russia.

What’s the difference between an Ottoman Turk and a regular Turk? It seems like the Ottoman Turks would be more laid back.

March 29, 1974: A life -sized terra-cotta army was discovered near Xi’an, China.

Farmers were digging a well and made that discovery. Those guys sound like a cross between Indiana Jones and Jed Clampett.

March 30, 1853: Painter, Vincent Van Gogh was born.

Van Gogh’s work showed he was a keen observer of nature, and his work also gives some insight in the anguish of mental illness. And possibly the heartbreak of psoriasis.

March 31, 1992: The USS Missouri was decommissioned for the second time.

The Missouri was the site of the Japanese surrender at the end of World War II. So, when a ship is decommissioned, does that mean it goes to straight salary?