Satire: Unusual Facts About William Shakespeare

His life would have made an interesting play.

William ShakespearePhoto byBirmingham Museums TrustonUnsplash

As a writer, I’ve often been compared to Shakespeare. Many an editor has told me, “Lambert, you’re no Shakespeare.” Of course, Shakespeare was no Lambert, either. That’s how I handle those sorts of comments.

Though I’ve heard a lot about the guy’s work, I didn’t know much about him. Armed with curiosity, and the desire to make a buck, I delved into some information about Shakespeare. I’ve also embellished some of the information. I report, you decide. Like Fox News.

1: He’s officially credited with writing 154 sonnets.

Originally that list number was 165, but upon further review, 11 of those, “sonnets”, were actually grocery lists.

2: He led two different lives.

In London, he was known as a playwright. In his home of Stratford, he was known as a businessman/property owner. So does that mean even Shakespeare had to have a side gig in order to be able to write? At least his side hustle of businessman/property owner was better than Walmart greeter/McDonald’s fry guy.

3: He is credited with adding about 3,000 words to the English language.

How do you add words to the English language? He just made stuff up. It’s obvious William didn’t use spellcheck. He also didn’t work with an editor. While Shakespeare is credited with adding the most words to the English language, truck driver, Lenny, “The Mouth” Schwartz is second with 2,000 words. Of course, all of Lenny’s words are obscenities. Many of Lenny’s new words are creative combinations of cuss words already in existence. You won’t find Lenny’s work in the dictionary.

4: He was a great Scrabble player.

The key to his Scrabble success is found in point three. When challenged on a new word, Shakespeare would merely write it in a dictionary and say, “See, it is a word.”

5: The source of his fame is unknown.

This is a mystery, though one theory has emerged. In London, there is a tomb dedicated to the ‘UnKnown Agent.” He has no actual tombstone himself, but he does get 10% of a number of entertainers’ tombstones.

6: There were no female actors in Shakespeare’s plays. Even parts that called for females were played by males.

So, every date was a mandate.

7: Shakespeare used between 17,000–29,000 words, twice that of the average person.

This makes Shakespeare the original double-talker.

8: He wrote sonnets when theaters were shut down because of the plague.

Despite the protests of plague deniers, theaters were indeed shut down. By writing sonnets, Shakespeare enabled entertainment-starved, plagued Londoners to be entertained at home while they spent time with their rats. Those were enlightened times.

9: Shakespeare also hoarded food and engaged in price gouging.

While some of us may be familiar with ticket scalping, Shakespeare jacked up the price of food. In fact, the Merchant of Venice was originally called, “The Price Gouger of Venice.” Shakespeare was also accused of tax evasion.

10: Shakespeare’s whereabouts are unaccounted for from 1585–1592.

I would refer you to point 9 for a possible explanation.

11: He married his pregnant girlfriend at the age of 18.

His girlfriend was 26 at the time. I understand it was a crossbow wedding.

12: He never went to college.

He considered it, but it was hard to find a good liberal arts school in the 1500s. Trade schools were all the rage at that time.

13: There are more than 80 spellings of his name.

This isn’t surprising. The guy was always making up words. Plus, if he was playing around on his wife, he probably didn’t want to sign his name the right way when he checked into an inn. Those artistic types are often players.

14: His kids were illiterate.

They didn’t know how to spell their name either.

15: His skull may have been stolen by grave robbers.

The good news is that it may have given him a chance to appear in one of his own plays. He could have played Yorick in Hamlet. Some guys have a hard time giving up show business.

I found facts about Shakespeare more interesting and easier to read than his plays. Stalin actually banned Hamlet because the play’s main character was depressed and indecisive. There are also rumors Stalin made, “enemies of the state” read Hamlet. Right after they were waterboarded.