Satire: The Real Reason Pluto is no longer a Planet

There are various theories as to what happened.

PlutoPhoto bybritt gaiseronUnsplash

In my continual quest to delve into subjects nobody cares about, here’s another one: Why is Pluto no longer considered a planet? Sure there is the official story, but what’s the real scoop? After all, this is the era of alternate facts, so I’ll take it upon myself to present some. Let’s start with the cover story.

To begin with, there are three criteria that need to be met to be classified as a planet. I’ve done extensive research to determine these criteria. By extensive research I mean I’ve checked Wikipedia for the info. Here they are.

1. The object in orbit must be around the Sun.

2. The object must be massive enough to be rounded by its own gravity. More specifically, its own gravity should pull it into a shape defined by hydro static equilibrium. (huh?)

3. It must have cleared the neighborhood around its orbit.

Pluto has run afoul of rule three. Apparently, there’s a lot of debris in Pluto’s orbit. Seems like Pluto has a little too much junk in the trunk. Maybe if Pluto went on an episode of, “Hoarders”, it would help. But, alas, the other of the original nine planets has shown any inclination to help

If debris in a planet’s orbit could disqualify it from planet’s status, then Earth could be in trouble. Earth has all sorts of garbage flying around it, and in its oceans for that matter. It seems like a potential double standard. If tidying up the orbit isn’t the issue, what is? Let me break these theories before Alex Jones or Fox News does.

The name, “Pluto”, often brings a smile to those who hear it. Is it possible the Disney company was putting the squeeze on Pluto over naming rights? It’s well known Disney can play hardball. Was it possible the pressure was just too much for Pluto to take? After all, the name was one of the biggest things planet Pluto had going for it.

Is it possible that Pluto wasn’t paying its League of Planet dues? You might remember recently member nation dues were a big consideration for NATO members. Could planets in our solar system have the same difficulties?

Was our solar system looking to expand the strength of its conference in the Milky Way Galaxy. Right now I believe it’s a middle-level conference solar system, but maybe it’s trying to make the jump to a Power 5 Conference in the Milky Way. Getting rid of the smallest planet could be a step in that direction.

So, where does the former planet Pluto go from here? Losing its status as a planet could definitely hurt future tourism. People from Earth are already talking about visiting other planets. Mars seems to be a popular future destination. While people talk about visiting other planets, they seldom talk about visiting frozen chunks of ice in space.

One possibility is to garner celebrity support. After all, Hollywood became Planet Hollywood for a short period of time. Eventually Planet Hollywood met its demise when it collided with the death star, Bankruptcy.

As a last resort, Pluto may try to use its most prominent asset, ice, to improve its galactic status. Perhaps they can lure an NHL team there, based on the year-long availability of good ice. That’s quite a statement, considering a year on Pluto is 248 years long.