Satire: 10 Tips for Getting off to a Good Start on Your New Job

And this from a guy who's had a lot of new jobs.

Office gossipPhoto byCartoon by Lambert-King

During my working career, I’ve had a lot of jobs. Most of them bad ones. I have a term for them, “disposal jobs.” That’s a job you take when you are desperate for a paycheck, so you take any job you can get. It’s theshotgun marriageof employment and doesn’t usually last long.

So because of my combination of poverty, and lack of appreciable job skills, I’ve worked a lot of different jobs. That means I've had a lot of experience at being the new guy on the job. Because of that, I’m qualified to give some tips on how to assimilate to a new work situation.

No doubt you’ve aspired to get career tips from a guy with an admittedlycheckeredwork history. Well, now is your chance. Follow these tips and you too can work a lot of menial jobs for a short period of time. Keep in mind, these tips might help you in getting comfortable with a new job, but won’t necessarily help you climb the career ladder.

With no further ado, here are some tips to help make you comfortable with a new job.

1: Elevate your job performance by employing the ceremonial bashing of your predecessor.

By saying you’ve inherited a mess, you immediately lower job expectations. If expectations are low, you reduce pressure on yourself. Personally. I looked for a place where the standards were low enough for me to excel.Admittedly, the standards had to be really low.

2: Be curious about your workplace.

By that I mean know where the security cameras are.We all know a quickcatnapcan improve productivity. However, some employers don’t seem to embrace the idea of sleeping on the job increases productivity.

By knowing where the security cameras are, you reduce the chances of being caught napping on the job. Plus your employer gets the benefit of a refreshed employee. It’s a win-win! It’s amazing how many bosses have a blindspot about this. Well, actually a blindspot is what you’re looking for.

3: Dress for success, or at least survival.

Try to blend in with the herd at work. Unless the herd looks like their side hustle is at the Mustang Ranch, or they’re entering a Huggy Bear lool alike contest.

4: Learn breakroom etiquette.

Is there a refrigerator in the breakroom? If so, generally speaking, co-workers don’t like to have their food stolen. They may even put their name on their food. It’s best to honor that arrangement.

If, however, you are too much of a lowlife to respect other people’s property, be mindful of which of your co-workers have anger management issues. And a police record for that matter. Then you have to ask yourself, “Is that tuna sandwich really worth it?

Also, don’t bring smelly food to work. As a general rule of thumb, if your lunch smells worse than your smelliest co-worker, eat it in your car, or don’t bring it.

5: Don’t smell worse than your lunch.

Your family may have grown used to your stench, but your co-workers may put up more resistance.

6: Use the, “I’m new here for as long as possible.”

Once again, it’s all about expectation management. You’ll generally get a honeymoon period on a new job. Take advantage of it. When dealing with a troublesome client, say, “I’m new here, let me find someone who can help you.” Then get some help.

It’s important, however, to get different co-workers to handle your problems. That way, you don’t make any of your co-workers too mad, andyou’re also learning delegation, which is a management skill.

7: Display good manners in the bathroom.

It goes without saying, you should flush after the job is done. But go the extra mile. Check to make sure one flush is enough.Most places don’t have a one flush limit, so knock yourself out. Not the next guy.

Wash your hands. You never know who’s watching. And besides, it’s a good idea. Occasionally, your workplace may have a communal eating situation. Nothing dampens the atmosphere of the occasion like the knowledge that a co-worker hasn’t washed his hands after going to the bathroom.

Remember, if possible, silence is golden. It may take some gastric self-control, but the respect you maintain with fellow workers is worth the effort.

8: Don’t talk about how great your last job was.

Nobody cares, and if it was that great, why aren’t you still there? Maybe they had higher standards than you could meet. If that’s the case, keep your head down and make yourself small.

9: Get to know potential mentors.

Well, this is one I’ve always had trouble with. It sounds a lot like know which backside to kiss. Plus, many of the jobs I’ve had really didn’t require a mentor. A lookout maybe, but not a mentor. So, maybe just replace the work, “mentor” with “lookout”.

10: Don’t be an electron.

You might be saying, “That sounds deep Larry, whatever do you mean?” Well, personally I carry enough negativity by myself. I don’t need to be hanging out with people more negative than me. People with negative energy are depressing.

I’ve worked some jobs that made me feel like Papillon. I was in a miserable place but hoped to escape. By the way, I’d suggest that you not put up a Papillon poster in your work area.

So, if you follow these tips, you may be able to acclimate to a terrible job. Then you can also use these tips at your next not quite so terrible job.