Satire: We Need New Standards of Measurements

Some things aren't accurately measured.

Value of bank statementsPhoto byCartoon by Lambert-King

For years mankind has wrestled with the concept of devising a universal standard of measuring things. For example, the United States uses inches and feet whereas the rest of the world uses meters. I’ve also heard of cubits, which I understand is about 18 inches. But beyond distance, we need units of measurements of other things.

For example, I’ve long had an issue with what constitutes a portion when it comes to food.It seems like food manufacturers determine portion size based on what abulimic supermodel takes in for a mealjust before a fashion shoot. That’s just not realistic.

When it comes to food measurements are tricky.

Take a Hungryman TV dinner. As have on many occasions. One of the old ads said, “The second serving is built right in.” Well, as my friend said,“What happened to the first serving?”

Recently I got a package of pastry rolls. Upon looking at the nutrition information I saw something interesting. A half a roll had 170 calories. A whole roll had 370 calories. I decided to have two half rolls and save 30 calories. It's kind of nice to see how math can help you in real life.It’s that type of thinking that has given me my current physique.

Sharing food presents other issues of measurements.

When someone wants you to share your food with them, questions arise. Do they want a taste, a bite, or a sample? A bite might be doable. A taste might involve more than one bite. A sample could involve a significant portion of what you are eating. Before saying yes to sharing your food, be careful of what you’re agreeing to.

By the way, if they say share, they might want half. It’s like a divorce settlement in a community property state.

Sharing a drink involves a different system of measurements.

So you’re enjoying a drink and your spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, or random person asks you to share? What then? Well, I would generally tell a random person to take a hike, but the other people mentioned require a different approach.

Once again, before agreeing to anything, make sure what you're agreeing to. Do they want a sip, a swig, or a guzzle? A sip is a small quantity. A swig is more. A swig is like four sips.

As for a guzzle, you may or may not get your drink back. Beware of a guzzler.

There’s a standard in place to measure physical attractiveness.

People are sometimes judged on their appearance based on a scale of 1–10. Of course, only shallow people judge like that. But even shallow people need a stable standard. For example, if an average-looking person is deemed to be a, “5” in the United States, would they be a 6.5 in Canada?

If a person wants to improve their physical appearance, it might be easier to move to Canada rather than have cosmetic surgery.

Sure there are other areas of measurements that need clarification, but I decided to start with the areas of food, drink, and personal appearance. Doers, that make me shallow? If so, how shallow? If only there was a way to measure shallowness.