Satire: Why Computers Scare People

They may be afraid for a reason.

Bad request on computerPhoto byCartoon by Lambert-King

Old people sometimes are ridiculed because of their unfamiliarity with technology, or their outright fear of it. But upon further review, some of those fears might not be totally unfounded. Or in some cases, the terminology that has popped up on some computer monitors has been terrifying.

We will take a few minutes to consider a few of these technological terrors, starting with scary messages.

A Fatal Error Has Occured!

I saw this on occasion when I was first using computers. When I saw this I immediately wondered,“Who died?” “Who’s responsible for the fatality?” “Do I need to wipe the prints off my computer and keyboard?”

Imagine some poor grandma at her computer and seeing that message. It might cause a heart attack, or cardiac event if you will. If she survives the initial shock of the messageshe would probably start calling her kids and grandkids to see if they’re okay.

Then maybe she calls the cops to report a death. She doesn’t know who or where, but a fatal error has occurred somewhere.

Bad Request.

Who wants their request to be judged as bad? And who wants a judgemental computer? If get this message from your computer you might not want to deal witha piece of technology that gets all judgey.

Runtime Error.

So, is my computer telling me my 40 yard dash time at the NFL scouting combine was mistimed? Was my 4.3 actually a 9.3? I remember Paul Ryan ran into this problem when asked about how long it took him to run a marathon and he underestimated his time by an hour.

I actually referred to a Runtime Error as a Paul Ryan but stopped because some people thought it was political. I just thought it was funny. Bonus points if you remember who Paul Ryan is.

Forbidden.

This message implies you’re trying to do something you’re not supposed to. Does somebody think I’m an underage kid trying to buy liquor online? If so, he didn’t even bother to card me.

Or is some elitist group trying to keep me from seeing something they don’t want me to see? Who is forbidding me to go to a certain website? Who made them the boss over me? This is the kind of stuff that hacks me off.

Wait, I’m being told that when I’m on my computer I don’t want to be hacked.

Unauthorized.

Not as bad as forbidden, but this message also raises questions. Why does this particular site require authorization to get in? Who provides authorization? What qualifies you to get in.

Where can I get reliable information on this stuff?

I guess I need to go to a reliable source of information on this sort of thing, Alex Jones.

Actually, scratch that last idea. I don’t want to go to my computer wearing tinfoil on my head.