Satire: 10 Ways You Can Tell Someone is really Your Friend

Will they do these things?

co-signPhoto byCartoon by Lambert-King

Who do you consider your best friends? Why do you feel that way about them? Do you count on them when you need help?

I’m reminded of an old comedy clip where one guy is telling the other guy how to deal with a snake bite. At one point the instructor says suck the venom out of the wound.

“What if the bite is somewhere I can’t reach?’” asks the second guy.

The classic response? “Then you find out who your friends are.” Of course, sometimes you don’t have to have a snake around to see who’s a real friend. Here are some ways you can tell somebody is really your friend.

1: They will co-sign a note for you.

That assumes that will actually make a difference to a lender. If your friend is unemployed, living on your couch, and has a credit score of 400, this isn’t a real test.

If you’ve co-signed a note for that same guy, you’re an idiot.

2: They will tell you if you have a wardrobe malfunction.

They get bonus points if they tell you before pointing it out to everybody else in the room. In the case of two guys, making barnyard animal sounds isn’t conducive to strengthening a friendship when that situation occurs.

3: They won’t talk about you behind your back.

Sure they’ll talk about you,but they’ll be completely out of sightwhen they do it.

4: A good friend is dependable.

You can count on them. To be late, try to borrow five bucks or belch very loudly. So why is this guy your friend?

5: A good friend is a good listener.

Hopefully. he’s listening to you and not some electronic device. If he’s able to concentrate on his electronic device, or something else while you’re trying to talk to him, that’s not the type of listening being referred to here.

6: Here’s there when the chips are down.

Whenever you set out the chips and dip getting ready to watch a football game, he’s there. Whether you invited him or not.

7: You ask them if an article of clothing makes your butt look big and they say no.

Here’s a helpful friend tip. If you're asked that question by your friend, you can truthfully say no. But what if your friend’s butt looks humungous? The truthful answer is still no.

It’s not the clothing making the butt look big, it’s the butt actually being big that makes the butt look big. You’re welcome.

8: They show implicit trust in you, and show it in various ways.

For example, they’ll drink out of your liquor jug after you, without even without wiping it off. That will give you both something to laugh about when you end up in the hospital together after contracting a virus.

9: They help you keep things in perspective.

They remind you that no matter how bad things are, they could be worse. Then they’ll tell you how things could be worse.In some cases, they even make them worse.

10: They encourage you to try new things.

It’s even better if they haven’t videoed you failing and then sent the video to a TV show, or put it up on YouTube.

After reviewing these things, I’ve decided my dog really is a good friend.