Satire: 10 Surprising Facts About the Old West

It wasn't like the movies.

Lone RangerPhoto byCartoon by Lambert-King

I like westerns. Things were simpler in that time. Also, it’s easier for me to understand what’s going on. I can usually follow what’s going on in the action scenes, unlike action movies with more modern themes. It does seem, however, like that period in American history is romanticized. To combat that trend, here are some things you probably didn’t know about the Old West.

1: Cowboys were really short.

On average, they were about five feet tall. So much for riding tall in the saddle. Actually, the only way most cowboys rode tall in the saddle was because their hemorrhoids were acting up. It seems a fitting song for a documentary about cowboys would be Randy Newman’s, “Short People.”

2: Cowboys seldom brushed their teeth.

Factor in the use of chewing tobacco and a cowboy’s smile was not generally a thing of beauty. Remember that classic western line, “Smile when you say that,”? Never mind.

3: Elmer McCurdy was the most interesting corpse in the world.

McCurdy was a train robber who was killed by lawmen after pulling off a train job that netted him a cool $46. McCurdy’s unclaimed body wasembalmed and sold by an undertaker to a traveling carnival.

McCurdy's corpse was on the road for 60 years until it ended up in an amusement park funhouse in Long Beach, CA. During the filming of an episode of the, “Six Million Dollar Man” at said location, part of McCurdy’s arm, or finger fell off, revealing that McCurdy really was a corpse, not a prop.

I wonder if it was his trigger finger? Some people will do anything to break into show business.

4: The O. K. Corral wasn’t the actual location of the most famous gunfight in western history.

The Gunfight at the O. K. Corral actually took place near the intersection of Third Street and Fremont Street in Tombstone. But that really doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it?

5:The NRA would have hated the Old West.

You might remember in the movie, “Tombstone,” there was a gun ordinance. Cowboys had to check their guns when they came into town. Other locations in the Old West had similar ordinances.

The idea behind that was to keep the violence down. Now the idea seems to be if everybody is packing, the world is a safer place.

6: Banks in the Old West were actually pretty safe.

Figures vary slightly, but it seems like there were around 10 bank robberies from 1859–1900.I’m guessing there also wasn’t a lot of white-collar crime, based on the scarcity of white collars.

7: The Old West wasn’t as white as it’s portrayed.

And it wasn’t just an issue of hygiene. For example, many cowboys in Texas were black or of Mexican descent.

8: Wild camels roamed Texas for a while.

It’s interesting that I’ve seen lots of westerns that revolve around rounding up wild horses, but few about rounding up feral camels. I would kind of like to see a western where the cowboy comes riding into town on his faithful camel.

9: The Old West wasn’t particularly politically correct.

Consider a case in point. Doc Holliday’s alleged girlfriend was called, “Big Nose Kate.” Honestly, is that any way to refer to a woman? And just think if her nose hadn’t been her most prominent feature.What if Kim Kardashian had lived in the Old West?

Or what if a person than been involved in an accident? Would you call him, “One-Eyed Charlie? Or Two-Finger Jones?” Probably.

10: Most cowboys didn’t wear cowboy hats.

Some of them actually wore bowlers. It would be great if bowlers wore cowboy hats? Sort of poetic justice.

Those are just a few misconceptions about the Old West. So, watch your favorite western, comfortable in the knowledge it is in no way based in fact.