Satire: 10 Unusual Driving Tips

These might not reduce your insurance rates.

Smart carPhoto byCartoon by Lambert-King

I’ve been driving for a long time and have amassed a lot of experience. Fortunately for you, I’ll share the benefits of my experience. I’ll warn you, some of these are not for the faint of heart.

1: Check the traffic behind you frequently.

It’s important to know what’s going on behind you when you’re driving. Generally speaking, it’s best to use your mirrors, though I have employed another technique.

Years ago, we were going from Oklahoma City to Orlando to go on vacation.When we got to Florida, there came a quick shower, as is so often the case. That made the roads slick. Not long after that, I hadto make s suddenstop on a six-lane highway. My back tires started to hydroplane. I actually did a 360 without hitting another vehicle.

I ended up pointed in the right direction after that 360. I decided to use that near catastrophe as a teaching opportunity. I told my two young sons, “When you’re driving, it’s good to check the traffic behind you.”

It’s a lot easier to pull that 360 move off when your family isn’t screaming. It makes it hard to concentrate.

2: After driving through water, check to make sure your brakes are dry.

It’s good to take a towel with you in case they’re not. Wait, being told that’s not necessary.

3: Keep your music to yourself.

Whenever I see/hear some guy pull up beside me blasting his music, which can be heard for half a mile, I think, “What a selfish horse’s rear.” Often the music being forced on other motorists is heavy on base, making the moron’s car pulsate.

Many is the time I’ve had to resist the urge to retaliate by blaring some Barry Manilow.

4: Keep your eyes moving.

No, not on that cute jogger. That’s counterproductive, and if your wife is with you, can get you slapped. Just know what’s going on around you.

It helps prevent accidents and also helps you spot traffic cops.

5: Use your turn signals appropriately.

It seems like some drivers think using a turn signal is a sign of weakness.The element of surprise isn’t a good thing when you’re driving.

6: Beware of deer.

You’ve probably seen deer crossings, but it’s amazing how many deer don’t use them. They can pop out at various areas where they are not authorized to cross. Deer are notorious jaywalkers.

7: Don’t provoke other drivers who are displaying road rage.

Sure, when you see somebody acting out on the highway, your natural impulse might be to honk your horn, make a rude gesture, or even moon the jerk. Don’t! It’s physically hard to moon and drive at the same time.

8: Practice parking.

Parking, particularly, parallel parking is tricky.That’s why it’s best to practice with somebody else’s car.

9: Driving a pickup in winter requires extra precautions.

Driving a pickup in itself can be a challenge. Driving a pickup in winter during snowy, or icy conditions is especially tough.It’s a good idea to put weight in the pickup bed to make controlling the truck easier. That’s why it’s best to ask your largest passengers to ride in the pickup bed.

Wait, once again I’m being that’s just wrong and insensitive.

Okay, but in my defense, it makes no sense to make the smaller people ride back there.

10: When driving in snow, it can help to have chains on your tires.

That’s why Mr. T is so popular in carpools during the winter. Hold up. I’m being told that’s not even remotely true. Still, those chains on car tires in snow can be a good idea.

So, there you go. No doubt you’ll feel safer hitting the road after reading this. Or feel like you’ve wasted a few minutes of your time you'll never get back.

Either way, the story is metered so I get paid the same either way.