Satire: 10 Tips for the Senior Job Hunter

Some of them might even work.

job hunting tipsPhoto byCartoon by Lambert-King

While most of us would like to be retired when we get old, for some of us that just isn’t possible. For those of us who have to remain in, or rejoin the workforce, reentry can be difficult. To be successful, we have to get past the interview process. here are some things that might help in that regard.

10: When being interviewed, don’t ask what the company policy on naps is.

It might give the impression you don’t have the vitality that some companies are looking for. Besides, snag the job first, then sort out how you’re going to get some shuteye.

9: Don’t make a pass at the receptionist in an effort to seem young and virile.

At best you’ll seem sexist. At worst you’ll seem sexist and creepy. Besides, “Great ankle babe!’ isn’t as effective a pickup line as it used to be.

8: It’s okay to ask questions, but be mindful of what questions you ask.

For example, it’s ok to ask about salaries and benefits but repeatedly asking, “What did you say?” isn’t a good idea.

In a similar vein, repeatedly asking the job interview to speak up isn’t a good idea. It’s best to get that hearing issue taken care of before going on a job interview.

7: Your education may be used against you.

If you have a four-year degree or even more education and are applying for a menial job, your education can work against you. Employers may feel you'll leave them in the unlikely event you have an opportunity to get a decent job.

Calm potential employers' fears by assuring them you’ve forgotten almost everything you’ve learned.

6: Be ready for certain questions on the job interview.

For example, a common question on a job interview is, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

Answers such as, “In assisted living” or“hopefully above ground”may be truthful but probably would help you land a job.

5: You don’t fit in.

Not just in company culture, you don’t fit into your clothes either. Regardless of whether we like it or not, potential employers do formulate opinions of applicants based on their appearance. If the walk from the reception area to the interviewer’s office leaves us out of breath, that’s not going to be a positive for getting hired.

4: Don’t try to impress a potential employer with your tech-savvy. Particularly if you don’t have any.

For example, having somebody page you while you’re on a job interview won’t impress.

3: Don’t give the impression you’re not able to physically do the job.

Realistically, as an older worker, you’re probably not going to apply for a job that is physically demanding. Still, if you have to ask to go to the bathroom three times during a 30-minute interview, you might be hurting your employment chances. Astronaut diapers might be worth a look.

2: Expect to be told, “We don’t have any senior openings.”

Which can be code for, “We don’t have any openings for seniors.” Be especially suspicious when you hear, “We don’t have any senior opening in the fries department.”

1: You can also expect to hear, “We’re looking for someone to grow with the position.”

If you hear that you can respond, “I put on ten pounds in the last year. I bought some bigger pants with an elastic waistband. I’m ready to grow some more.”

Hopefully, these tips will help you find gainful employment. If not, there’s always blogging.