For countless relationships, casual dating eventually turns into cohabitation. A percentage of those couples find themselves married, perhaps with kids — and decades of being stuck with each other when all you really want sometimes is space and time alone.
Unfortunately, modern convention dictates that couples should sleep in the same room and — since around the late 1950s — the same bed. Before that, it was doctor-recommended that couples sleep apart so that the lighter sleeper doesn’t disturb the deeper sleeper. So, as seen in vintage TV shows and movies, husbands and wives slept in separate twin beds with a nightstand between them. Historically, wealthier couples who could afford more living space, including royalty, slept in separate rooms, chambers, or even houses.
These days, however, telling your partner you’re about to sleep in another bed or room is likely to be taken as a sign of recoil and disrespect. But, you guys, it doesn’t have to be that way! Gently introducing separate bedrooms into your relationship can be just the thing to keep it from becoming monotonous, unsexy, and overwhelming.
Establishing a separate bedroom isn’t about sleeping apart every night; it’s about creating a space where either one of you can go when you need to be with yourself.
Case in point: Your girl is annoying. Now, you know better than to tell her that shit, but between you, me, and the lamppost, she gets on your nerves sometimes. The way she clickety-clacks her nails after she’s just had them done. The way everything pisses her off when her period is on its way to fuck up everything, including the duvet cover. The way she incessantly clears her throat when her postnasal drip acts up every allergy season. (Oh, wait. That last one is you because you’re annoying as hell, too.)
This train goes both ways, sir. Don’t think she doesn’t notice the way you just fart all out in the open, right up under her, even when she’s eating. The way you clip your toenails in bed, brush the shards of keratin onto the floor, and then just kick them around instead of cleaning them up. The way you leave your dirty boxers on top of the hamper instead of inside. Your lady hates it, all of it, and there are days she wishes you would just go somewhere, but stay at the same time.
Establishing a separate bedroom isn’t about sleeping apart every night; it’s about creating a space where either one of you can go when you need to be with yourself. It doesn’t have to be your room or hers. Instead, it can be Switzerland — a neutral, safe space for thinking, decompressing, and getting over what’s bothering you without someone always asking, “What’s wrong?” It can be somewhere to go when you want to be gross or irritable in private. She may want to be alone when she feels cranky and bloated during her “lady days,” and you may want to be alone when your buddy’s barbeque gives you the bubble guts or on days when you’re feeling fat and unsexy.
Then, there are the nights when one of you can’t get to sleep and keeps the other one awake. Sometimes, you want to cuddle but it’s just too hot for that bullshit. Your partner ends up sleeping on the edge of the bed to get away from the human furnace that is your body. There’ll be plenty of times one of you has had a shitty day, and no matter how much you love each other, you’ll both need some time and space apart. Sometimes, you just want to lock yourself in a room, turn on the game, eat hella snacks, and talk shit on the phone with your boys. Us women do the same thing, except we might turn the game off to watch The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and talk shit about Erika Jayne.
There are also sexual advantages to sleeping in separate rooms once in a while. See: the Sleeping Roommate Fantasy. (By now, you should know how much I love bringing fantasies to life !) In this one, you’ll sneak into Switzerland while your partner is asleep, peel the covers off her body, and wake her with your mouth or your rock-hard member. Depending on the terms of your consensual play, she may struggle a bit and you may need to cover her mouth to muffle her whimpers. However, you two decide to live out this fantasy, be sure to instate a jarring safeword beforehand, like amoeba or hippopotamus. If either of you says or hears this word while roleplaying, stop immediately and check on one another. But, barring any disruptions, roleplay to your heart’s content. Then, without saying anything, get up and walk out of Switzerland as if nothing happened, just the way a sneaky roommate would .
Whatever the reason, you should consider upgrading to a home with an extra bedroom or turn your current guest room into a safe haven. Decorate and stock it with everything you’ll both need during times of self-care, like a heating pad, your favorite snacks, water, Tylenol, Midol, a TV, and a game console. Maybe install a mini-fridge, lots of pillows and blankets, robes, slippers, and a Do Not Disturb door hanger — or one that expresses your emotions and whether it’s okay to come in. When creating this safe and neutral space, talk to your partner about how you will both use the room and be sure to express and agree that Switzerland isn’t a permanent solution to temporary problems. It’s a place either of you can go before or after you talk about your thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires. Then, at other times, it’s not that serious.
Sometimes, a person just wants to be alone — and that’s perfectly okay. Even if you’re no longer single, you’re still a singular individual. You will never be one with your partner , no matter how well you live, work, and love together. You will always be your own person, with a separate set of needs, emotions, and requirements. Both you and your partner should understand this about one another and not allow the need for a neutral space to trigger your insecurities. After all, as shocking as it may be, not everything your partner does is about you.
This post originally appeared on Medium and is edited and republished with author's permission. Read more of Elisabeth Ovesen's work on Medium .
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