How to Build Confidence & Gain Autonomy After Narcissistic Abuse

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If you are in a relationship (or have been) with someone you suspect is a narcissist, it is vital to realize the detrimental effects it creates. A narcissist breaks you down and creates self-doubt and low self-esteem through techniques such as gaslighting, withholding, verbal abuse and criticism, silent treatment, and making you feel like you can never say or do anything right.

They keep you in a cycle called trauma bond by love bombing you, and then they break you down again. A trauma bond keeps you stuck in a toxic relationship and creates a whirlwind of emotional confusion. I know because I have experienced it. I stayed with my ex for five years and looking back, the majority of it was miserable, but I made excuses at the time and thought things would get better. I finally went no contact, blocked him, and never looked back. Then, I had to focus on healing and rebuilding my confidence.

My nervous system was dysregulated, and I was constantly on edge. I had a skin rash, and my hair was falling out in clumps. I was crushed when he launched a smear campaign against me and even contacted my family, trying to make me look bad. Smear campaigns are the narcissist's final way to hurt you. I realized it did me no good to try to defend myself. People's true colors always show. So I just held my head high and began focusing on my self-healing.

How to Reclaim Autonomy

Autonomy is the ability to make decisions and gain independence. This leads to empowerment, which is essential for healing. The victim of narcissistic abuse needs to create a new narrative and understand their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

We build autonomy by practicing kind self-talk, acceptance, and learning to trust ourselves. Self-trust is super important because then it eliminates trust issues with others. We can create personal safety if our intuition can sense disrespect and manipulation.

It is a great idea to journal all of your strengths and things you are good at. If you struggle with this, consider different things people have complimented you.

Spend time alone and get to know yourself again. The narcissist likely isolated you, and you lost a bit of yourself. Reclaiming autonomy is the ticket to freeing the shackles of narcissistic abuse. This was you can heal and move on from victim mentality.

C-PTSD and PTSD

Narcissistic abuse causes emotional and psychological trauma that has lasting effects. It is critical to realize the symptoms of post-traumatic stress syndrome and complex PTSD. The symptoms are very similar. Complex PTSD is caused by ongoing or repetitive abuse. Symptoms include difficulty concentrating, memory loss, trouble sleeping, losing interest in activities, isolation, heightened startle response, trouble with emotional regulation, and a negative self-image.

Get familiar with what triggers negative emotions. Then, find ways to self-soothe to return to a calm state as quickly as possible.

Some self-soothing techniques I use include:

• Change of environment- consider walking to a different room or going outside.
• Listening to music.
• Engaging in a hobby you enjoy.
• Aromatherapy
• Exercise
• Taking a soothing bath

Building Confidence After Narcissistic Abuse

1. Cut off all contact with the narcissist. (If you live with them, I will explain how to leave the relationship safely in a separate article.)
2. Acknowledge what happened and that you have experienced psychological abuse.
3. Practice self-care and nurturing. The body and mind need time for rest. Recognize your personal needs.
4. Find a hobby and take the time to get to know yourself and enjoy life.
5. Build a support network of people who understand what you have been through and inspire you.
6. Seek a coach or therapist who can provide validation and guide you through confidence-building exercises and raise emotional intelligence, which builds awareness, confidence, and empathy.
7. Improve your understanding of narcissistic abuse and manipulation to avoid repeating.
8. Allow yourself to feel each emotion. Pain may come in waves, and you may feel angry, frustrated, sad, happy, and resentful all in the same day.
9. Practice positive affirmations. 90% of our thoughts are subconscious, and by repeating and believing in affirmations, we can rewire those subconscious thoughts that cause self-limiting beliefs.
10. Set and enforce boundaries. If someone does not respect your boundaries, they do not respect you. Boundaries create physical and emotional security.

Final Thoughts

The amount of time it takes to heal varies. I healed relatively quickly once I left the relationship, but I was completely dedicated to doing the self-work. I wanted to reclaim my power and happiness, and I have. That is not to say I don't have bad days occasionally, but hey, don't we all? My biggest frustration is that my nervous system still gets dysregulated occasionally, but I am aware, and awareness is the catalyst for improvement.

Signs of healing include:

• Increased confidence.
• Self-love and acceptance.
• Less emotional distress.
• Healthy relationships.
• The ability to trust yourself.

Please call or text emergency services if you feel an immediate physical danger. If you need assistance or need to get out of your home, you can contact The Battered Women's Shelter near you.

You are worthy of love, respect, and happiness. Be gentle with yourself in this healing journey. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. Please pass it along and share it with anyone who has or might be experiencing psychological abuse.

Peace & Light,

Libby