How to Help Loved Ones Being Abused and How to Spot the Signs and Symptoms

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October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, often referred to now as Intimate Partner Violence Awareness.

Spreading awareness about domestic violence is extremely important to me not only because I have survived physical and psychological abuse but also because I know the long-lasting effects and toll it takes on so many people. Abuse is always hurtful, but even more so when it comes from somebody we love.

Childhood abuse is most detrimental because children are innocent and have no defense. It causes deep wounds that later in life cause self-sabotage, stunted emotional intelligence, and deep fears of rejection and abandonment.

General Statistics On Intimate Partner Violence in the United States

• An average of 32 people per minute are victims of rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner.
• 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men (age 18+) have been the victim of severe violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime
• Almost half of all women and men have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
• 30-60% of intimate partner perpetrators also abuse children in the household.
• Nearly 1 in 3 college women say they have been in an abusive dating relationship.
• 50% of college students say they don't know how to help a victim of dating abuse.
• Nearly 1 in 2 women and 2 in 5 men report intimate partner violence in their lifetime.
• 85% of intimate partner victims are women.

Spotting someone who is experiencing abuse is sometimes difficult. Physical symptoms may be obvious, but often, the victim will make excuses to protect their loved one. Look for signs of fear, shame, doubt, and isolation.

Other Signs and Symptoms of Intimate Partner Violence:

• Poor physical health- loss of hair, loss of appetite, poor sleep habits, rashes, and chronic pain.
• Depression and anxiety
• PTSD
• Increased risk of substance abuse
• Migraines
• Gastrointestinal problems as a result of chronic stress
• Low self-esteem
• Withdrawal from normal activities
• Inability to trust
• Difficulty maintaining work or future relationships
• Being overly apologetic
• Seemingly fearful or on edge
• Cancel plans at the last minute

Why Victims Stay with Their Abusers

There are many reasons why victims stay or return to their abusers. The best answer I can provide is that the fear of leaving is stronger than the fear of staying. The victim may be financially dependent on the abuser. They may feel like they have nowhere to go. Often the abuser has the victim isolated and they are manipulating them into thinking they are better off staying. Sometimes they feel such loyalty to the abuser that they take the guilt and feel they deserve the abuse- a situation called Stockholm Syndrom.

How to Document Abuse

Abuse can be tricky to prove, especially psychologically, because there is no external proof. However, there are measures people can take to help the justice system see the danger.

• Keep a journal each time mistreatment occurs. Note the day and time and as much detail as possible.
• Photograph physical injuries and never alter them.
• Seek medical care if choked, strangled, or have a concussion. This gives medical records to prove what happened.
• File a report with the police as soon as you feel safe.

How to Help a Loved One Who Is a Victim

Watch for signs and symptoms and practice active listening. Providing a safe space emotionally is essential. One can provide the information by texting the Domestic Abuse Hotline at 88788 or the phone number to speak with an advocate, 1-800-799-7233. Advocates can help secure a safety plan; they even have lawyers available at no charge to help secure a court order of protection.

The most important thing you can do as a loved one is assure the victim it is not their fault.

Final Thoughts

The signs of abuse, especially psychological, are not always easy to spot. Victims often make excuses for physical signs of abuse. They may wear large sunglasses, extra make-up, or dress in unusually warm clothes to hide bruises.

Victims: please have an escape plan if things get bad. If you don't have time to wait for 911 to arrive, at least plan these things:

• Keep an extra set of car keys hidden but easily accessible.
• Keep a small bag at a friend's house with cash, important papers, medicine, and clothes.
• Have a code word that you share with your children, family members, and co-workers that signals you are in danger so they can contact the police for you.
• Know where you are going when you leave. This could be someone you know, a local battered women's shelter, or even a church. Between 22 and 57% of homeless women report that abuse was the cause. Do not let that statistic scare you; instead, have a plan.

When I experienced Intimate Partner Abuse in Monroe County, Florida, the police were very kind and empathetic. When I agreed to press charges they immediately found and arrested my now ex. They called in a female officer who photographed my injuries so that it would be officially documented and they provided me with information about domestic violence. They encouraged me to seek a temporary court order of protection until a hearing was scheduled for a long-term order. After that, my court advocates were wonderful and I was eventually granted a permanent order of protection. Taking these steps allowed me to win the court battle against that monster.

I pray that victims of Domestic Violence have the courage to take action against the abuser, and the ability to forgive themselves and heal. The mental scars can last a lifetime, but they don't have to with healing modalities. Be gentle with yourself, seek supportive people, and go within to get to know yourself again. I found peace by walking in the woods alone, finding new hobbies, making a different set of friends, and practicing yoga. Positive affirmations are essential because they have the ability to rewire our subconscious mind, which the abuser has brainwashed.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. Purple is the color that represents Domestic Violence, so send purple hearts or even purple flowers this month to anyone you know who has been abused by a loved one sexually, psychologically, or physically. Place a purple ribbon in your car or outside your home to show that you advocate for change against domestic violence.

Please stay safe and enforce boundaries to protect your emotional and physical well-being.

Peace & Light,

Libby