Relationships develop in fairly predictable ways for all of us

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Relationships progress along two parallel tracks. We have emotional development, as we grow more and more attached and the emotions change over time, and we have informational development, as we get to better know the other person. This leads to four predictable stages for any romantic relationship.

Let’s name the four stages of a relationship as follows: 1) novelty, 2) bonding, 3) reality, and 4) passionless.

Stage One: Novelty

In the earliest stages of a relationship, we’re excited by the novelty of the interesting individual who has just entered our lives. If it’s going to be love, it’ll grow from a process of revealing new information on each meeting, and finding that information to be consistently pleasing. We watch them, learn new things about them, and see how they navigate different situations, as our admiration for them grows. We may start out with a natural wariness, waiting for some missed mark or unbecoming quality, as we continue to explore the person before us. Every time they satisfy or exceed our expectations, our trust and our feelings for them grow.

Everything is an adventure at this stage. We’re thrilled to have met a match, and every encounter is naturally playful. The feelings we experience are half a consequence of the individual and half a consequence of the newness. We are exceedingly pleased to be around them, and thoroughly enjoy that time together, but we’re not deeply bonded yet. We feel how one might feel when traveling to some new and beautiful city. Watching how they handle a moment of small embarrassment, or stop to play with an animal on the street, or enthusiastically tell a story about their family is like sightseeing around their personality.

It’s just the same when we eventually go to bed together. It’s sure to be enjoyable, but not because the connection is yet so deep. It’s an adventure in its own right, and the exhilaration felt on those first encounters is a special experience. It’s also a step in unlocking a succession of gates that lead us to a deeper and deeper intimacy and bonding. Timelines will be different for everyone, but it’s fair to say this stage typically lasts a matter of weeks, maybe even a few months.

Stage Two: Bonding

This is the point where it really becomes all about the actual person, and we start to develop real feelings. At first, it was an infatuation. They were always on our mind, but just as a new and exciting person who we were lucky enough to meet. We don’t really know much about them; we’ve likely only seen them at their best and at arm’s length. Now, as we get closer, we spend more time together, open up to each other, and grow increasingly intimate. As we get better acquainted with our lover, and the time we’ve known them for grows in duration, the feelings run deeper. At this stage, we definitely know we like them for them.

The concealment we all naturally wear over our personalities begins to fall. Maybe as we hangout together at home, they begin to see us as we are when lounging and alone — not dressed up for dates — and they can see how we actually live. As we continue making love with each other, they get to know how we are sexually, which is often revealing in unexpected ways. As time continues to pass, and we share more and more about our personal lives, some slight flaws and failings begin to surface. The picture of the person is given texture. So long as we still very much like that picture, this adds a great deal of depth to the connection.

The emotions are not only stronger at this stage, but they’re qualitatively different. We hold each other tightly in our arms and breathe the other in. There’s a swell of feeling in our kisses, in our embraces, in our lovemaking. We’re falling in love, and we experience everything that comes with that. They run through our mind whenever we’re away from them, we feel most at home when we’re with them, and the thought of them with anyone else begins to irritate us in an insidious way.

If we separated in the first stage, it could’ve led to sharp feelings of disappointment, but it would be a sadness based on what we imagined things would be like. If we separate here, in this second stage, we are sad to lose what we actually had, and it’s much harder, much more enduring. For all that’s been said of an increased understanding of the other person, this second stage is still marked by a lingering obfuscation of the true personality. If we don’t live together, then it’s still very easy for a person to only show their best side. This stage may endure for a matter of months up to maybe a year, year and a half in most cases — likely until you begin to cohabitate.

Stage Three: Reality

This stage is characterized by living together. It’s seeing their unsexy side in full bloom. As you visited each other in the earlier parts of the relationship, you were likely to always show up well kempt. You smelled nice, were mostly groomed, maybe cleaned up a little before they came over, etc. Now, there’s nowhere to hide.

We smell their breath in the morning; hear them in the bathroom, and walk in after they’ve just finished; watch them go through the process of getting ready each day, of their self-care, and every particular of how they actually live their lives. We can see their bad habits, their cleanliness, their idleness, and their bad moods all on full display. Things are very quickly revealed in this context.

Moreover, our compatibility is really tested here.Many facets of our behavioral repertoire are set to clash at this point if not naturally aligned. If one is a gym goer, but the other is not, it may now become an issue. If one is cleaner than the other, different expectations arise for what should be done around the house. Little, otherwise innocuous, behaviors can become increasingly grating as they’re repeated day after day.

These small frictions and constant new revelations come to a head with the first really big argument. A lot of relationships fail here, but the ugliness that tends to arise around this stage of a relationship is actually one of the most beautiful parts of it. Everything prior to this is partial. The person we’re falling for is half-person, half-idea. We live in blissful ignorance of their true faults, until one day that image we have of them gets smashed, and we see them for the real thing. This transition is an unpleasant one. We might catch them in their first lie, or see how cruel or petty they can be in a fit of anger. It’s not just some unattractive but insignificant qualities that we expected all along — it’s those little evils that every person has somewhere hidden within.

If we can see this side, and forgive it, and love the person despite it, then it’s a real love. If you’re to truly love a person, it can’t just be their best side. We need to see the skeletons in their closet and their inner demons. This is when we’re in love at its highest pitch. We’re so involved emotionally that we can be put off, or even hurt some, but we’re not going anywhere. We’re loving them with open eyes now.

The sex is only getting better and better as we draw in as close as can be. We’ve intertwined our life with this person’s, and we’re connecting on every conceivable level to the utmost extent. Things can continue in this stage for years — it would be fair to estimate anywhere from 3–5 years after you start living together, but it very much depends on the connection.

Stage Four: Passionless

Eventually, the nature of love changes. It becomes less emotional. We appreciate that person on a deeper level, as the person they really are, and as a trusted friend, lover, and support. We know we can rely on each other, and there’s a comfort in one another’s company that’s incomparable. But the passion dies down in nearly every way. Sex becomes routine and somewhat boring, as do our lives together. Even arguments tend to lose their fire at this stage, and we can snap at each other one second, and be right back to normal the next.

If we’re not careful the relationship will come to feel as something less than a romantic relationship, as if we’re just the best of friends who happen to be sharing a bed every night. However, there’s a sense of safety that comes with this evolution of love that can’t be overstated. It’s a wonderful feeling to be at home with someone and to trust so deeply that they’re there for you, but its dispassionate nature can leave some wanting more — wanting to feel alive in the way they did in the earlier stages. They say many relationships end around the 7 year mark, and this is likely why.

There is one way, however, in which the emotionality will not have dried up: The pain of separation can still be incredibly intense here. Our partner is at the very center of our existence at this point. They become an integral pillar in one’s life — the one we rely on for every type of support. If for whatever reason the relationship should end, we can find every ounce of feeling we’re capable of arising once more.

This is the final stage. If we can manage this new state of the relationship, we can continue on forever in each other’s company. This is the nature of a love that has carried on for decades and decades. It’s what most of us strive for, and a truly beautiful thing to experience with another person, but also a situation that not all are ready for — and that some may never be ready for.

Conclusion

A relationship changes a lot over time. If we’ve never experienced it, it can be surprising how things develop. If we have, we know that each stage comes with its own joys and pains. It’s obvious why, with the evolving nature of a relationship, it can be so hard for two people to stay together forever.However, just as clear to see is the singular greatness that is going through the various stages of love and sharing your life with another person.