A happy couple sitting on the couch reviewing financial statements.Photo byfizkes via Shutterstock

How often do you talk money with your partner?

If that question has you nervously side-eyeing your SO, who’s sitting right next to you but blissfully unaware that you’re reading money articles online, don’t despair. Lots of couples struggle with money conversations.

Why Are Money Conversations So Hard?

Money is one of American society’s last taboos. We can ask people what they do for a living, but we don’t dare ask about their salary. We can talk about our families but must cautiously teeter around any topic that reveals their financial status.

It’s not just the taboo.

Money conversations can cause complex feelings of fear, anxiety, shame, and insecurity. Financial problems, like a large debt load, are embarrassing. Some folks may feel insecure about how much money they earn, while others might be worried they can’t achieve their financial goals.

It’s a complex topic with many variables, making the conversations even more crucial.

Here are all the money conversations you must have with your partner in every dating stage.

When Should You Start Talking About Money in a Relationship?

Some people say you shouldn’t talk about finances until you are married, and some couples have completely separate finances even after tying the knot.

Regardless of how you manage finances before and after marriage, you must discuss money as soon as you decide to be in a committed relationship - if not earlier.

Financial problems are one of the leading causes of divorce in the US. Although circumstances and priorities change over time, having conversations about money early and often can prevent a lot of financial strife. These talks can keep you on the same page or help you identify incompatibilities before a lifelong commitment.

Either Way, it will save you a lot of future pain and heartache.

Money Conversations You Should Have When You First Start Dating

You should start the money conversations in the early phases of dating.

However, you must tread carefully. Lots of people date to find a gravy train to support them. Women get sucked into awful relationships with hobosexuals, while men must wade through gold-diggers.

Early in a relationship, you should avoid subjects concerning how much money you make and how much money you have saved. However, you can tease out their views about money with these crucial conversations.

Long-Term Financial Goals

The great thing about asking a new partner about long-term goals is that they don’t have to divulge any information on what they currently have if they're uncomfortable with it. However, you still get insight into their financial priorities.

Long-term goals are easy to discuss because they’re a long way off, so it can seem like talking about whimsical dreams rather than reality. This conversation is perfect for early dating because it gives you valuable insight into your potential partner's hopes and dreams, value system, and beliefs while hinting at whether they’re practical or idealistic.

Spending Habits

Understanding a potential partner's spending habits is crucial to determining long-term compatibility.

Do they buy the latest video game the second it comes out or head to the bar the moment their paycheck hits their bank? Do they save for trips or splurge on impulse shopping?

It’s a delicate conversation, especially in the early days of dating. You don’t want to sound like you’re monitoring their spending. Still, you do want to know that they’re capable of saving for long-term goals and that they prioritize financial security over impulsivity.

However, it’s a delicate balance. You also want to verify that they aren’t so frugal they refuse to live life.

Knowing what they spend their money on now will provide you vital information on what they will likely spend on in the future. Would you be happy with a partner who spends all their extra money on useless junk or refuses to spend money on anything that would enhance your lives?

When getting to know someone, keep these conversations light-hearted. Pay attention to what they do rather than what they say. Use all that information to decide long-term compatibility.

How Do You Feel About Your Current Job? What are your Career Ambitions?

If your current prospect is working a menial job – are they happy there? Are they aspiring to do better? And if they aren’t – are you okay with that?

Some people have no problem being with partners who make less, while others want a partner who earns the same or more.

I’m not here to determine whether these things are right or wrong – that’s for each individual to decide for themselves. However, if long-term earning potential in a partner is essential to you, you need to discuss this before jumping into a long-term commitment.

What Do You Envision for Your Retirement?

I love asking hypothetical questions to potential partners. While asking about retirement goals seems like a fun first-date question if you’re not near retirement age, the answers can give you crucial insight into your date’s goals and values.

To me, retirement involves doing it early and exploring the world, and guess what? If a potential partner is not on board with that, we are probably incompatible. It’s better to find that out after one date than two years, right?

I once mentioned my quest for financial independence and goal to travel the world on a first date, and the look of abject terror on my date’s face was comical. He didn’t have the same goals and desires. He wanted to work until he was 64/65, then retire to a life of leisure.

Although there’s nothing wrong with that goal, it’s not compatible with what I want out of life. We decided that a second date wasn’t in the cards. In my opinion, it's better to find stuff like this out early in a relationship.

How to Initiate Money Conversations with a Date

With the massive taboo surrounding money, many people may balk at direct conversations about their finances in the early stages of dating.

Keep these early talks light and fun. Pose the questions with hypotheticals, like “What would you do if you magically got a million dollars,” and “What does your dream life look like?”

The answers should result in an engaging discussion revealing a lot about their relationship with money.

If everything checks out at this stage and you decide to get serious, you need to keep the financial conversations going. They need to get more serious as well.

Money Conversations You Should Have When You Decide to Get Serious

Far too many people fall into relationships. They date and get along okay, so they decide to take the next step and commit.

They don’t realize this is the most crucial stage for determining compatibility. Here, you can get serious without sharing assets, learn each other's goals without fully committing to them, and honestly decide whether the relationship will work long-term.

Here are the money conversations you must have when you decide to get serious.

Are We Having Kids? How Will We Pay for Them?

The decision to have children or not has numerous far-reaching implications beyond the financial.

It’s a huge, life-altering decision, and I’m always shocked when I hear that people get married without even talking about it.

Our research shows that raising a child—excluding college—costs over $440,000 and dramatically impacts one's overall financial life.

You must discuss whether you want kids and how you will pay for them when you get serious.

Talk about paying for daycare and healthcare, whether someone will be a stay-at-home parent, and the financial implications of that decision - especially for the partner who stays home. Discuss who will stay home with sick kids and how that will impact your family’s finances.

Things may change once the baby comes - but it's far better to go in with a plan you can tweak than to discover your partner expects you to quit your job after you’re already pregnant.

What is Your Savings Rate?

It’s hard to discuss savings rates without sounding like you're after a payday, but they’re essential to understanding your partner’s relationship with money.

Are they saving money at all, or are they spending everything they earn? If they’re living paycheck-to-paycheck, is it due to situations beyond their control (Wage stagnation, young and just getting started, student loan debt, etc.) or because they want a lifestyle they can’t afford (fancy cars or clothes, a nicer apartment that stretches their budget, going out all the time, giving money away to friends and family)?

Now is the time to find out if they also have a retirement account and an emergency savings account. You don’t need to go into specifics at this point, but you have to make sure your partner is on the same page as you and actively working toward similar lifestyle goals.

The wrong partner can destroy your financial health - trust me - it’s not worth it.

How Much Debt Do You Carry?

Debt is an incredible burden. With most young adults carrying at least some student loan debt, your potential partner likely comes with debt.

Talk about how much debt you each have, and share how you plan to pay it off.

A debt burden isn’t necessarily a deal-breaker, but learning why they’re in debt could help you decide if the relationship is worthwhile. Do they have student loan debt or credit card debt? Did they use a credit card to cover emergencies or living while they were starting out in their lives, or are they a shopaholic?

Did they make mistakes that they’re working on paying off, or do they still use their credit card like free money?

These debt conversations can help you understand the complete financial picture of the person you’re getting serious with.

What is Your Credit Score? Do You Have Any Credit Problems?

While I don’t recommend asking to see a potential partner’s credit report, it is essential to know their creditworthiness. Whether or not they can access credit has severe implications for your entire financial future.

Will they even be able to get a home or a car if their credit is bad?

Of course, you aren’t a bank and aren’t judging them solely on their credit score. It’s possible that they made some mistakes or got in over their heads when they were younger. What you do with the information you gain from this conversation is entirely up to you – some people may have no problem working through their partner's poor credit, while it may be a deal-breaker for others. But you need to know before you decide to get serious.

Money Conversations You Should Have Before Getting Married

Don’t wait until after the wedding to fully understand your partner’s finances.

The engagement is the time to flesh everything out, from budgets to life plans, estate planning to unemployment.

During this period, you must revisit the conversations about kids, long-term goals, career prospects, and retirement.

Here are the essential money conversations you must have with someone you intend to wed (or stay with long term).

The Overall Financial Picture

When you get really serious, you must have a conversation about the big picture.

How will you manage finances as a couple? Who will pay for what? What types of accounts will you share, and what will you keep separate?

Decide who pays what bills, how much “free money” each person gets, and how much will go to long-term goals. Set limits on how much you can spend without running it by the other person.

This is a never-ending conversation. Couples should have a financial meeting at least once a year to revisit their budgets and goals and ensure the split is working for everyone.

You’re a team now, so you must ensure both members are comfortable with the money management plan for a lasting relationship.

Estate Planning

It’s uncomfortable to talk about one’s own death and terrifying to consider the premature death of a partner. However, you can’t shy away from this conversation.

Ensuring that each person has an estate plan in place and knows what that plan is will be a huge relief should the worst happen, especially if children are involved.

Life insurance for both parties is a must if you have underage children. You must also discuss wills, inheritance, and funeral arrangements.

It’s far easier to have these conversations before an unexpected tragedy strikes.

What Are We Going to Do About Our Aging Parents?

Unfortunately, as we age, so do our parents. A plan for their care is paramount to your family’s financial health.

Do you have the time, energy, and space to take any in-laws in? Who gets priority? Do either of you have siblings that can help with their care? Is a nursing home a viable option?

These conversations are much further reaching than any financial implications, but it’s important because any care is expensive. If your parents didn’t plan, and you will be on the hook for paying for their care, your partner must be on board.

Can We Afford to Pay for College?

College is one of the most significant costs people will have in their lives. Having parents who are willing and able to help pay for it is an incredible asset to young people and a major way to build generational wealth.

You should discuss whether you will pay for college with the initial conversation about having kids. If you decide that you want to help any current or future children with their education, set up a 529 account as soon as they are born to make the costs more manageable.

What Happens if Someone Loses a Job?

Life happens. Jobs may seem stable and then disappear. We get burned out with high-stress careers. The possibility that one of you will lose a job at some point in your life, whether due to downsizing, health, or anything else, is pretty high.

So what will you do if that happens? Will one of you be a stay-at-home parent? Will you be willing to move? Do you have enough investments/savings to sustain yourselves in the short term? Should you start a side business to hedge against this?

These are all critical financial conversations you should have before it becomes a reality. Knowing you have a plan to fall back on if something happens will be beneficial in an already stressful situation.

Do We Need to See a Financial Therapist?

Conversations about money are hard. If you are in a stable relationship but can’t seem to agree on financial priorities, sometimes therapy can help. A therapist can be an objective third party that will help you communicate your priorities to your partner.

If you’re good at communicating about money goals but aren’t sure how to execute them, a financial advisor can help. Make sure that whomever you seek is fee-based and not making a profit off of selling you less-than-stellar investment opportunities.

Should Relationships Be 50-50 Financially?

It’s impossible to have a hard and fast rule about what a relationship should be. Instead, it's essential to work as a team and develop a plan that works best for both partners.

A 50/50 relationship can quickly turn toxic if one person makes a lot more money than the other and expects the other to pay the same expenses. Because of this, many couples have found that contributing based on a percentage of their income works better. Other couples share everything. Still, others have a stay-at-home parent situation, and the family relies on a single income. Splitting everything 50/50 is impossible in that situation.

When discussing each partner’s contributions, it is essential to ensure that each partner feels valued and believes the workload is split fairly. Couples should revisit the split regularly to ensure everyone is still on the same page.

Situations are constantly changing. A relationship shouldn’t be 50/50; it should be 100/100, with both partners contributing their all in whatever way they can.

Love Conquers All Though, Right?

I was young and idealistic once, scoffing at the notion that money mattered in a relationship. If you love someone, everything else will fall into place. Money doesn’t matter.

Wrong.

Money matters - far more than you realize.

Financial security is essential for long-term happiness. You can love someone with all your heart, but if they refuse to contribute to your partnership, you will never be happy with them.

We’re not advocating for only dating people with money. Contributions don’t necessarily have to be monetary. Sometimes, a partner who wants to stay home and care for the house is exactly what a career-driven person needs.

It’s not about money - it’s about financial priorities, contributions, and expectations. If your partner doesn’t have much money, do they expect access to yours? Do they try to guilt you into providing for their wants over the household's needs? Do they contribute to the household in other ways?

Far too many women find themselves in relationships with men who don’t contribute at all. The guys blow all their money on their wants while she pays the bills. He spends his time doing what he wants while she does the chores. She doesn’t leave because she loves him and was taught that love transcends everything.

It does not. Your partner must contribute to the relationship.

How Do You Start a Conversation With Your Partner About Money?

Money conversations aren’t easy. No one wants to be blindsided with an argument about how they overspent again.

Instead of starting with an accusation because something happened, plan the conversations regularly. If possible, institute quarterly “money talks.”

Make it fun—have some wine and cook your favorite meals. One of the major reasons we avoid these conversations is that they feel like a chore—and worse yet, when framed the wrong way, one part of the team may feel attacked.

If framed in a relationship-building way, the conversations can be more productive and less likely to cause defensiveness.

Talk Money - Talk Everything

Couples must talk about money regularly to ensure they’re always on the same page. These talks should include everything related to finance, from career goals to retirement, unpaid household labor, and saving for the next cool thing.

Couples who regularly discuss these complex yet vital aspects of life have healthier, happier relationships.

Schedule your money date with your partner today!

This article was produced and syndicated by Partners in Fire.