This has been my worst week as a parent.

Photo byEphraim MayrenaonUnsplash

I just want a break. This week is the worst week ever. My toddler is in an extremely whiney and clingy phase and has been for 3 weeks already. Anyone else doing anything results in just a total meltdown, and usually, this would be annoying but acceptable because I know it’ll eventually end, but this month has been so emotional.

First, my brother-in-law came to town 2 weeks ago. He’s lovely but I also have not had much space to myself because we live in a small apartment in a giant city.

Then we went on a 4-day vacation that involved a lot of being outside and my kid was basically glued to me and wouldn’t let anyone carry her on any of the hikes, so I hiked holding my 25-pound toddler 4 days in a row up and down rice terraces and beaches. She throws tantrums at the drop of a hat. I’m so spent from this vacation and I know when we get home that she’s out of daycare for a week because of Ramadan and I will get no relief.

The day after we get home from vacation my mom calls to tell me she has cancer and it was serious.

This woman is literally my favorite person on this planet. I love my mother more than life itself and she’s so young and is always so on top of her health. This news hit me like a ton of bricks. I spent the entire day in an emotional coma, crying and just dissociating and feeling insanely guilty while my kid bids for my attention.

Today I go about finagling some flights for me and my daughter, which is a huge hassle because I currently temporarily live in Indonesia and we weren’t supposed to leave until August, now I’m leaving in two weeks. United made changing our flights absolutely hellish. Like 4 hours on the phone, people trying to upcharge us. My kid is going through 6 massive tantrums because I can’t give her my undivided attention. She’s clinging to me, she’s demanding things I can’t give her.

I’m a mass of emotions. My life has been in transit since May of last year. I finally fell in love with Jakarta after a really hard transition and really have created some beautiful friendships with people and fell into a routine and now it’s all swept away in a moment. I feel like I’m just falling from one situation to the next. I can’t ever get any footing. One moment I’m looking for jobs abroad so we can move once our visa ends here, the next I’m dropping everything so I can go help my mother through treatment in my little southern US hometown that I hate.

My kid will not give me a moment alone. She’s repeating demands at me over and over, she’s talking nonstop. She’s throwing fits over things like her dad getting her yogurt instead of me. She will not let anyone bathe her or change her without screaming full force the entire time. I feel like a hostage because no one can offer me any sort of support without it turning into an earth-shaking tantrum. I am spent. I want to stop mothering. I want time to end. I’m grieving my mother’s diagnosis. I’m grieving the loss of my friends here in Indonesia and the months I thought I had left. I’m grieving the plans we were making for August. I’m grieving the fact that my husband and I will be separated for 3 months.

I did not think you could lose so much so fast all while your child relentlessly batters you with emotional demands. My husband is really trying to be here for us but my kid won’t let him do anything without screaming and flailing and that’s just so stressful for me so I just end up doing it myself because I just want some peace. He’s doing a lot of other things, but another thing I want the most is just for my kid to allow literally anyone else to touch her.

I just really want a break. Like a day of total silence. I just wanted to vent because my entire family and all my friends are all in shock over my mom’s diagnosis and I don’t want to put all these emotions on them as well.