I don’t feel like my daughter is my child

Photo byTijs van LeuronUnsplash

I gave birth to a baby girl 15 months ago. When I met her for the first time I felt so disconnected. I couldn’t believe that was my baby. I took care of her and breastfed for almost a year. I didn’t like breastfeeding and it was psychologically exhausting. I felt trapped, tired and I did it with discomfort. I did that regardless because it was better for her and the doctors and my husband insisted on breastfeeding. I didn’t enjoy the feeding as most mothers do...

Now she eats mostly solid foods. So the baby isn’t neglected in any way, i take good care of her. I feed her regularly 5–6 times a day (main meals and snacks), I change diapers often, I read her to sleep etc. So I do everything I can so every need is met.

The problem is more psychological. She looks just like my husband, like a little baby duplicate of him. I love him very much and I don’t mind her looking like him. We are both white Caucasians, but we look very different. So when I look at her, I don’t feel like she is my child. It’s all unreal.

Even when I gave birth to her, I was disconnected. Like I couldn’t believe what I’ve done. I brought a whole new person into the world. And she looks nothing like me. I felt like some stranger took over my time and space.

I couldn’t feel that I love her at all. It was like disconnection from my body and soul, I just can’t explain it. I wanted to leave her and my husband and never look back. Of course I didn’t do it but this is how I felt.

My love for her has grown till now. She started to talk (a few words) and started to walk. She is so happy to see me in the morning. And I do love her, but deep inside I still feel some kind of disconnection. Can’t explain it in words..

This is the first time to share my feelings. I feel guilt and shame because of this. Why I am not a normal mother, a normal person? I couldn’t and can’t talk to anybody because I don’t want anyone to know how bad of a person I am. This is just a vent and if you have some suggestions as to how I can overcome this feeling, I would be grateful…