My Relationship With My Daughter Changed Once She Started Wearing Makeup

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My relationship with my 12-year-old daughter didn't evolve in the way I had always envisioned due to a lot of drama involving family for a few years. Her dad was not around for a long time, and a couple of years after I met my husband when she was six, her dad came back around, and the whole family dynamic changed because my husband and I were struggling financially, and she had to go stay with her dad. We didn't get stable for a couple of years, and by then, I didn't want to rearrange her whole life again, so she's staying there until she chooses otherwise. Since she was too young to be given that choice, she only recently became aware it was an option.

The whole point is we used to be a lot closer, and I have been trying for years to reestablish openness with her. I've noticed that she can be outgoing about some things and shy about others. Like she has no problem talking about her hobbies, but she seems insecure about personal style. It seems like she's hesitant to declare what her personal aesthetic is, so she wears what's plainest: lots of baggy sweatshirts. I'm pretty sure she's insecure with her body because of my grandmother's body shaming habits (which have since been curtailed), but addressing it directly would just make it worse. So on that front, I'm just trying to help her readjust the mindset through indirect information.

Today she called me because she was stressed at home. That alone was a big win for me. She has called before to come over randomly when she was bored, but never when she was upset, and I was just so beyond words that she knew she could call me. I was out to dinner with my husband and twin babies, and I left them at the restaurant and grabbed her and brought her out with us. There wasn't a big problem at her house, which was cool, just some family awkwardness. So I brought her home a few hours later, but we went to my place after dinner to watch TV, and she saw my makeup box out.

I NEVER wear makeup in public, but I have a lot of it, and it's all colorful and varied but old. I just like to play with it at home sometimes. She knows that; she's seen it. I also historically disagree with children wearing makeup, the whole growing up too fast thing. But she asked if she could play with it, and of course, I let her. She tried so many different styles and talked about this cool girl in her class that has such distinct personal style, how she looks up to her, and all sorts of stuff. She just gushed for a while, all excited.

I told my daughter that my makeup is all old and low quality to begin with, so it doesn't work great anymore and won't be able to achieve a clean look like in videos, but I can totally help her learn how to use all the different products and different techniques for applying it. She seemed really excited, and later it got me thinking. Every kid is different. It's so hard to describe, but it's like I can feel she cares about how she looks, but she's too embarrassed to make an effort and 'fail' essentially.

If asked about clothes, she always emphasizes comfort, but I can tell it's so she can use it as an excuse. She doesn't pick her clothes for how they look, only how they feel, so why should she care if they look however? But she does care. She idolizes this stylish classmate. She loves it when I wear my fancy dress to dinner. I think that my daughter may be insecure about expressing herself through style, which is why she sticks to plain clothes. She seems to care about how she looks, but she is hesitant to make an effort and possibly fail. I'm considering relenting on my strict no-makeup rule and allowing her to experiment with it in an age-appropriate way. I want to encourage her to be more artistic than beautiful. It's funny how my lipstick looked better on her than it ever did on me.

So I've decided I'm going to take her to the store and give her like 50-100 bucks to spend on whatever makeup she wants. I'm excited for her to have some fun and express herself in a new way, but if makeup isn't her thing, I'll take her to the bookstore instead and she can spend the money there.