My son is so lazy it drives me nuts and I need his help to do anything around the house.

Photo bySander SmeekesonUnsplash

It seems like nothing I do is working.

I'm a widowed mother of three kids. My son is 12 years old, my oldest daughter is 11 years old, and my youngest daughter is 8 years old. I'm on a low income, and I finally moved into a state-assisted 3-bedroom townhouse about a year ago. It's a big upgrade from our previous 2-bedroom apartment, and now my son has his own room instead of having to share with his two sisters.

The problem is, no matter what I do, whether it's punishment or reward, nothing seems to motivate him to actually DO anything. He won't clean his room unless I'm standing there to make sure he does it. He won't do his homework unless I'm constantly checking on his progress. And there are a thousand little things he does that drive me nuts, like leaving his chair out at the table or leaving the kitchen cabinet doors open. If I don't make sure he has clean clothes, he'll just wear whatever is nearby in his messy room.

Even when I restrict his privileges, it only works for a short while, and then it's right back to the same behavior. It's been going on for a while, even before he got his own room, but it's more apparent now.

By comparison, my two daughters, even my youngest, are really responsible. They keep their room clean and tidy, and my oldest even helps her sister with her chores. If they make a mess, they clean it up right away without being asked. My oldest comes home from school and does her homework and chores before she has free time. And if I ask to see her schoolwork, it's always neatly organized in her backpack.

But if I ask my son if he has homework, he doesn't even know, and he certainly hasn't done it. I have to check with his middle school to get a list of his assignments and then hound him to do them.

If I go into my daughters' room, there might be a small mess like a water glass not on a coaster, but it'll be clean. But if I go into my son's room, it'll smell like a hamster's cage, and there will be clothes and objects covering the floor, leaving no space to walk. He's a slob and doesn't seem to care.

I feel like I'm failing as a mother, and I don't know what to do to motivate him. Is this just a boy thing? How can I fix this?