I Resent My Family For What They Did After My Dad Passed Away

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I'm a 28-year-old woman, the eldest of five siblings. While my family wasn't the worst, I experienced emotional pains from both my parents throughout my childhood and young adult life. However, I understood that my parents had difficult upbringings, so I didn't blame them for their actions. Instead, I tried to gain their approval by doing what they wanted me to do. Admittedly, I wasn't a perfect child, having run away from home once and having been put in multiple mental health holds. Despite this, I loved my family and did everything I could to keep my siblings safe during violent or abusive incidents. I even helped raise my younger sister by driving her to school, helping with her homework, teaching her how to speak and write, and feeding her.

My dad and I had a strained relationship. I was most like him, but he was distant with me. He talked more with my brother, who was a man, and doted on my sister, who was the youngest and considered the golden child. While we didn't hate each other, we weren't close either. The year before he passed, we became friendlier, but I still had an unexplainable fear of him.

My dad passed away suddenly, and my mom, who was codependent, fell apart and couldn't function for a while. In the months that followed, I stepped up to keep the family together. However, as time went on, I started feeling freer now that my dad had passed. I felt happier and like I could finally live my life. With this, I began to resent my mother more. I was angry that she couldn't pull herself together and constantly guilt-tripped me and my siblings. Even though my dad was abusive and toxic towards her, she painted their marriage as a fairytale relationship, which made me even angrier.

Recently, I've been colder towards my mother for no apparent reason. When she calls, I feel angry. I don't insult her or yell at her, but I'm not the cheerful and helpful daughter I used to be. I had a fight with my younger sister about a bad depiction she and my mother made, and it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Now, I realize that I hate my family and how I gave them everything I had, only to feel this way in the end. I'm cold towards my entire family, and I don't know what to do. While I know they're trying their best, I want to give up on them entirely.

If anyone has any advice or insight, please share it.