My husband and I adopted a child, and I learned we have incompatible parenting approaches

Photo byKelly SikkemaonUnsplash

As a parent, I feel completely lost and helpless. My partner and I have been tasked with raising a child who has experienced difficult times and has been living with us for the past 2.5 years. Before this, the child lived with another family in a different state. Neither of us had any prior experience with parenting, so we are learning on the fly. It has not been easy.

To make matters worse, my partner and I were raised very differently. I was raised by a teacher who took helicopter parenting to the extreme, and my partner was raised with a very militant style that involved lots of discipline and punishment. Both of us were raised in extremely controlling environments that have left us with issues as adults.

Now, we are trying to figure out how to parent and parent a child with trauma. My partner believes that I am too soft and do not discipline enough, while I believe that he is too strict and needs to be more loving. We both struggle with control, and it is something we have been working on our entire relationship. However, whenever we have a disagreement over parenting, it turns into a defensive argument against each other.

I try to discipline our child when necessary, but I also take into consideration their past and trauma. My partner, on the other hand, is very strict and doesn't seem to show much empathy towards our child's experiences. It's difficult to find common ground and agree on a parenting approach.

Despite our differences, we do have an amazing relationship, and I truly love this man with all my heart. I know he loves our child as well, with how he provides for them and protects them. But it's hard. Parenting is hard, and I just want to do what's best for our child.

I am completely lost and in need of advice. How do people make it work when partners parent differently? I want our child to be raised in a loving home where they feel safe and can come to us for anything. I want them to become a decent human when they are an adult. But right now, I just feel completely lost and helpless.