Becoming a parent is overwhelming, joyful, stressful, happy and every other mixed emotion you can think of. Most expecting parents have done their best to have a nursery set up, clothes purchased and all the essentials in the hospital bag. It’s particularly stressful when it’s the first baby and Mom is going to deliver for the first time.
It’s hard to explain the feeling of terrified joy you feel when you realize you’re responsible for another human life, but every mother has felt it. If all goes well during the delivery, you still have sleepless nights, pain and lots of spit-up to look forward to. If there are problems during delivery with the mom or the baby, many life-changing things become normal really fast.
But becoming a mother isn’t negative, although many things can be extremely hard. There’s the surreal dream-like feeling of waking up to a baby that has your smile, your partner’s eyes or your dad’s mannerisms. There’s the joy of watching them grow, learn, achieve and even fail.
Mothers need all the help they can get in today’s world as society has higher expectations on things like when the body should be “normal” again and when the mother should return to work. Through all the ups and downs, mom guilt constantly lurks around the corner.
If there’s a new mom in your life and you want to support her, we have a few do’s and don’ts to adhere to. Even casual comments can have a lasting effect, so pay attention to your words when you’re around a new mom.
Even if it’s just parents and newborns, the thought of fixing a meal can be exhausting when you’ve just given birth. Many moms feel the beginnings of failure this early, and while partners can help carry the load, they may be exhausted also. Offering to bring a meal in is a great way to take some weight off mom’s shoulders.
Don’t make the meal a chore for them. Freezer meals are great, and you can even get their favorite takeout. Offer to leave the meal on the porch to avoid spreading germs. Don’t inundate them with texts about what is best, but do check for food allergies. Try to do something simple that most people like, such as pasta or sandwiches.
The reality is that how a mother chooses to feed her baby is nobody’s business. Some breastfeed exclusively, others rely on formula and some mix the two. It doesn’t matter what a mother chooses to do with her body or her baby. Asking this question can trigger a whole wave of emotions for mothers who want to breastfeed and can’t for reasons outside their control. Unless you’re invited into this topic, stay out of it.
There’s about a two-week time period where it’s amazing to see your baby day or night. Once the lack of sleep hits your body, it’s a different story. About two months in, most moms hit a wall and their bodies tell them they have to sleep.
The problem with having a newborn is that your body can’t get the deep kind of sleep that gives you energy. Telling a mom that she will sleep again gives her hope, particularly if you’ve been there before. Better yet, if appropriate, offer to take the baby during the day so she can nap.
First of all, offering your opinion when it’s not asked for is just tacky, so this should be a given. Moms worry about tummy time, nap times and feeding. The last thing they need to feel guilty about is how often they sit to hold their baby. When she’s grown a human being and delivered it, she can hold them whenever she wants.
Research also shows that babies need to be held and loved . Whether the mom chooses to rock her baby to sleep or start with a strict sleeping schedule, it’s their decision to make.
The effort it takes to get pregnant, deliver a baby and raise a child is incredible. Most parents feel as if they’re getting it wrong no matter what they do, and the worry sticks around late into the night. New moms don’t want advice unless they ask for it. They simply want to be told that they’re doing a great job and that you’re proud of them.
These words can come from anyone. A friend, a neighbor, a sister or anyone else who wants to support a new mom and build her up. Tell her as often as you can, because she will doubt herself many times, and if she hears your voice in her head saying she’s doing great, it may pull her out of a funk.
Of course a new mom is stressed, and she doesn’t need you to point it out to her. That only makes her self-conscious that she’s giving off the wrong kind of energy to her family. It makes her concerned about her appearance when she needs to be resting and caring for the baby.
If she seems anxious, use your actions more than your words. Ask her what you can do to help her or just remind her that she’s doing a great job. Mop a floor, drop off a gift card or bring her favorite treat to her. Do what you can to lift her up rather than stress her out and break her down.
It takes some time to adjust to the idea that you are someone’s everything, and that they rely on you for food, shelter and all kinds of care. Because of this, many new moms have a hard time tuning in to their instincts and trusting them, but the truth is they know what’s right for their baby. Bad or good, a mama’s instincts are one of the most important things she can learn to listen to.
The truth is that motherhood looks different for everyone. Some moms have to go back to work quickly, some need to get out with friends or their partner, and some just simply need to be someone other than mom. There is no timeline on when a new mom should leave her baby with her partner or a trusted sitter. A big part of fighting post-partum depression is taking care of yourself, and if she’s taking active steps to do that, encourage her instead of berating her.
Maternal mortality rates are higher than they should be, and the truth is that giving birth is very hard on your body. Most women have some type of health problem during pregnancy whether it’s swollen ankles or nausea, and many of these problems can be life-threatening. Not to mention the birthing process itself.
It’s a relief to finally hold your baby in your arms and know your body is healthy. Make sure mom and baby know that you’re happy everything went well and that baby is here and thriving. This is particularly true for women who have hard labors, difficult pregnancies or C-sections.
Society is hard on women in many ways, and one in particular is weight. Most women gain 25-35 pounds while they’re pregnant, but it’s possible to gain much more. As long as a health care professional is monitoring their weight, they don’t need comments on it from you.
The hips widen for the woman to give birth and it takes time for things to go back to “normal.” But ultimately, this is not the mom’s goal, nor should it be the focus. Her body did and continues to do a miraculous thing. She needs additional calories and vitamins to help her body recover . It doesn’t matter what she looks like while she does it, as long as she is healthy and happy.
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