DEAR ABBY: I’m a gay man who is best friends with “Carl,” a man who is straight. We are everything you’d expect of a normal friendship. On a surface level, there is no difference. He goes well out of his way to make me feel welcomed and accepted, and I appreciate it.
Recently, Carl found a significant other. I’m happy for him, because he really does deserve it. The problem is, I am jealous. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my relationship with Carl will never be anything more than platonic. I think I know why this bothers me so much — Carl is nice, smart and attractive, and we get along amazingly — yet someone other than me is with him.
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Abby, the thing is, I never wanted to be with him before. (My darkest secret: I recently stole one of his shirts because I wanted part of him with me.) Now I feel like I betrayed our friendship, and I am a thief. I have so many mixed emotions. How should I handle our friendship going forward? — LOST IN ARKANSAS
DEAR LOST: Your feelings under these circumstances are not unusual. You are afraid that because a third person has been put in the mix, your special relationship with Carl will be lost or diminished. It doesn’t have to be that way. You were always friends, and you can continue to be.
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However, you may have to branch out and build new relationships, which will not only fill any empty time, but may also lead to you finding a special someone of your own. If you do not feel better after branching out, and there’s an LGBTQ center near you, please consider talking to a counselor there to help you through this. If there isn’t one, search online for emotional support.
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DEAR ABBY: My husband recently lost a substantial amount of weight. He’s 30 pounds lighter and has been maintaining it with up to a 10-pound fluctuation. Before he lost the weight, his family constantly commented on his weight and would ridicule him. They’d poke his stomach and say, “What’s this?” in a not nice way. After he lost the weight, they continued with comments like, “Where’d your stomach go?” They never seem to cease. If he’s on the heavier side, they comment about him gaining the weight back (it isn’t true; the scale doesn’t lie).
My husband is tired of being picked on and beaten down. He is at a healthy weight and happy with his body when he isn’t being degraded. How should we let his family know we don’t appreciate these comments? To clarify, this includes not only his immediate family but also his extended relatives. What would be a good way to tactfully say — in the moment — that we don’t appreciate their commentary? — PICKED ON IN OREGON
DEAR PICKED ON: I’m not sure you should handle these relatives with kid gloves. It might have more impact if your husband tells them, calmly , that he has tolerated their comments about his weight, but he finally has a handle on it and doesn’t need their constant “weigh-ins.” They are neither helpful nor funny, and they should stop. If not, they’ll be seeing less of the two of you.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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